Hillary Clinton
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Contents |
Early Life
Though she has claimed to be from New York, Arkansas, Washington, or anywhere else she’s up for election, Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton was actually born in Chicago, Illinois.
Sometimes Rodham, sometimes Clinton, sometimes Rodham Clinton (but never Rodham-Clinton), she has neither kept her maiden name nor fully taken her husband’s, thus allowing her, in true Hillary fashion, to have it both ways whenever the purpose suits her.
HRC, as she’s sometimes known, shares her initials with New York fitness chain Health and Racket Club, where many dicks go to admire themselves lifting weights in the mirror. She also possesses the star power/megalomania to simply be known as “Hillary,” joining such other one-named dick celebrities as Bono, Oprah, and Sinbad.
Hillary is married to William Jefferson Clinton, 42nd President of the United States. In 1980, the two produced a daughter, Chelsea. Lending further evidence to the theory that the dick trait is genetically recessive, Chelsea Clinton is not a dick, even though she works for a private hedge fund.
Long described as a polarizing figure in American politics, Hillary was consistently the front-runner in polls for the 2008 Democratic nomination, which meant she couldn’t possibly hope to win.
B.C.: Before Clinton
Hillary began compiling her impressive dick resume at Wellesley College, where she majored in political science and was president of the Young Republicans, as dick a position as they come. She eventually stepped down, however, due to her views regarding the Civil Rights Movement and the Vietnam War. Also, she was stealing office supplies.
From 1970 to 1973, she attended Yale Law School, the same alma mater as U.S. Supreme Court Dicks Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito, as well as Dick Attorney General Michael Mukasey.
In the late spring of 1971, she began dating fellow dick/Yalie Bill Clinton, despite the fact that, at the time, he looked like Kenny Loggins after a weeklong Quaalude bender. Like all great romance stories, Hillary eventually capitulated to marrying Bill after she failed the bar exam in Washington, D.C., and needed something better to do than turning tricks in Logan Square.
That’s no First Lady, that’s Hillary Clinton!
Hillary became the First Lady of Arkansas in 1978, following her husband’s election as governor. During this time, she was listed as one of the 100 Most Influential Lawyers in America—the country’s most prestigious dick list—and also served as the first female board member of Wal-Mart. Again seeming to swing from both sides of the plate, Hillary pushed for more environment-friendly practices, but said nothing about the company’s famously dick treatment of its workers.
When Bill Clinton took office as president in 1993, Hillary became the first First Lady to hold a post-graduate degree and to set up office in the West Wing. This elicited a mixed public reaction. Critics called it inappropriate for Hillary to play such a central role in policymaking, while supporters said she was no different than any other White House advisor. Most people, however, were just interested in how she wore her hair.
Hillary’s most notable contribution as First Lady was the Clinton health care plan, which enjoyed unanimous Congressional support, effectively providing quality universal coverage to every single American regardless of age, race, or income.
Lewinsky Scandal
During her husband’s tenure, Hillary was subjected to one of the most public and embarrassing scandals in presidential history. In critical retrospect, one can’t help but deduce that the entire predicament would have been avoided entirely had Hillary just acquiesced to gargling the presidential marbles every once in a while.
When Bill Clinton was brought up on impeachment charges in 1998, Hillary became the first First Lady to testify before a federal grand jury. This elicited a mixed public reaction. Critics called her an enabler to her husband’s indiscretions, while supporters admired her strength and poise. But most people were just interested in how she wore her hair.
Senate Career
Carpetbagger
Having neither resided in New York nor participated in the state’s politics prior to her election as senator, Hillary has worked hard to dog accusations of carpetbagging, specifically by “getting to know the people of the state.” She has accomplished this by buying a $1.7 million house in Chappaqua, a town listed as 42nd wealthiest in America. Other Chappaqua residents include Academy Award-winning actor Alan Arkin, and Ace Frehley, lead guitarist of Kiss.
Carpetmuncher
Hillary is a powerful woman succeeding in a man’s world. Naturally, this has caused speculation that she is really a lesbian. Not so much a Janet Reno lesbian, but more of a Melissa Etheridge lesbian (minus the guitar and David Crosby’s semen). However, these accusations are unfounded, and based purely on conjecture. Mrs. Clinton is not, in fact, a Sapphist, although she does pee standing up.
2008 Presidential Campaign
Kicking off the longest, most drawn-out presidential election in history, Hillary Clinton announced her intention to run for the office in 1972. Just before her official announcement in early 2007, the campaign produced a spoof of the Sopranos series finale, starring Hillary as “Carmela,” Bill as “Tony,” and Al Gore as “Big Pussy.” Of course, the Clintons have a history of making short films. In 1996, Bill Clinton appeared in a press club short with Kevin Spacey, who was in Se7en with Brad Pitt, who was in Sleepers with Kevin Bacon. Hillary is the only Democratic hopeful for whom the Kevin Bacon game works.
Clinton's campaign strategy originally hinged on how many voters would confuse her with her husband. As the candidate pool got narrowed down to Clinton and a black man, Barack Obama, news reporters became increasingly focused on the divide between white women and African-Americans. Clinton decided to take the only appropriate course of action for a woman in her situation: exploit the latent racism among white men.
Luckily, just before she dropped out of the race, she was able to salvage her public image by suggesting her opponent could potentially be assassinated.
Secretary Of State
In 2009, Hillary Rodham Clinton was confirmed as secretary of state by a group of Republicans she bonded with over mutual hatred of their new leader.
