Heidi and Spencer Pratt
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Heidi and Spencer—or “Speidi,” as they are sometimes called—are not especially charismatic or good looking, and possess absolutely no special skills, unless you consider applying lip gloss a special skill.
Of course, they did successfully weasel their way into the world of rich, young, immaculately-tweezed socialites, which definitely takes a measure of finesse. Heidi and Spencer have also made an art out of publicly befriending then publicly defriending then publicly refriending then publicly re-defriending (and so on) other brainless residents of Orange County, California.
Of Heidi and Spencer, Spencer is the cute one, Heidi the talented one. It’s hard to say which is more insulting to whom.
Heidi
Heidi Montag Pratt (born September 15, 1986) began surgically-enhancing herself to within an inch of becoming a cyborg from her birth on September 15, 1986, a birthday she shares with Prince Harry of England, another vapid blondie who just happened to be in the right place at the right time (i.e. Princess Diana’s birth canal in 1984).
Born and raised in Crested Butte, Colorado, Heidi attended San Francisco’s Academy of Art College, which, as the largest art school in the United States, boasts the nation’s highest volume of silk-screened Andre the Giant T-shirts.
While a freshman there, Heidi met Lauren Conrad, yet another insipid celebutante who at the time was starring in the MTV “reality” series "Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County." The two would later transfer to Fashion Institute of Design & Merchandising in Los Angeles, a much easier two-year junior art college, which Heidi also couldn’t finish.
Of course, that didn’t matter, because Heidi’s TV “career” was already well underway. After riding Conrad’s Brazilian-waxed coattails to a regular appearance on the spin-off reality series "The Hills," Heidi cemented her starring role by allowing Conrad’s boyfriend’s friend to shuck her clam on national television.
She also appeared in the 2009 season of "I’m a Celebrity…Get Me out of Here," a program whose ranking as one of NBC’s highest-rated shows illustrates just how far the network has fallen since the days of "Must See TV."
Somehow someone agreed to record Heidi’s album—a producer named David Foster, who has also brought the world such cultural treasures as Kenny G, Michael Bolton, the theme from St. Elmo’s Fire, and whatever song is on your Bar Mitzvah video. The alleged album, Unleashed, was supposed to debut in 2007, but by summer 2009, Heidi still had yet to unleash it. Thankfully. She has, however, released seven singles, including one that features Spencer rapping. That’s right: Spencer. Rapping.
While Heidi appears oblivious as to how fundamentally untalented she is, her purported interest in releasing a Christian music album seems to indicate otherwise.
In perhaps the most telling detail, Heidi’s sister Holly is dating Sanjaya. She calls them “Sanjolly.” The fact that this news made headlines is exactly why terrorists hate the United States.
Spencer
Spencer William Pratt (born August 14, 1983) has had both the name and look of a Cabbage Patch Doll, and not in a good way, since his birth on August 14, a birthday he shares with Danielle Steele, David Crosby, Kate from "Kate & Allie," and that chick with the super annoying voice from "That 70s Show."
Spencer made his television debut in 2005, on the not-quite-short lived-enough short-lived MTV series "The Princes of Malibu." It takes a serious dick to characterize oneself as a prince, let alone being “of Malibu.”
While on that show, Spencer befriended fellow “prince” and total manties-wearer Brody Jenner, son of dick Olympic decathlon, or “dickathlon,” champion Bruce Jenner. This friendship—which most likely also came with benefits (you’d have to imagine they at least watched each other masturbate, probably a few times)—led to Spencer’s role on the MTV reality series "The Hills." For some reason, this led to his appearance in "Us Magazine," which is apparently more than enough to cement one’s place as a star these days.
Like his wife, Spencer appeared in season two of "I’m a Celebrity…Get Me out of Here!"and is sure to feature prominently on the spin-off series "I’m Watching I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!…Get Me Out of Here!!"
Picture a younger, less leathery Cato Kaelin.
Heidi and Spencer
Heidi and Spencer Pratt began working to become rich, good-looking people who like to hang out with other rich, good-looking people while drinking some variation of frozen mocha from their marriage on April 25, 2009, 56 years to the day after James Watson and Francis Crick published their discovery of the DNA double helix. This technology will likely assist the forensic investigators tasked with unraveling the spectacular murder-suicide Heidi and Spencer have undoubtedly masterminded as their final publicity stunt.
Of course, because wedding episodes always boost ratings, this was not the first time Heidi and Spencer got married to each other. Nor will it be the last, at least as long as "The Hills" remains on the air, and let’s face it, MTV’s programming has gotten pretty damn thin.
After repeatedly leaving and returning to the set of "I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here," the couple ultimately withdrew in June 2009. Apparently they didn’t understand that they weren’t really supposed to call their personal assistants and say “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here!”
Heidi and Spencer blamed their final departure on Heidi’s gastric ulcer, which they claim forced her to be hospitalized. While many who obviously have too much time on their hands speculate that Heidi was merely faking the ailment, it’s not that much of a stretch to think Heidi’s stomach would be digesting itself—she probably hasn’t eaten a meal she hasn’t regurgitated since the turn of the millennium.
In retaliation, the Pratts released a statement accusing the show’s producers of torturing them, when clearly the only people the show’s producers ever tortured were its audience, which they will continue to torture every week until the new season of "Celebrity Apprentice" starts again in the fall.
