Greta Van Susteren
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Greta Van Susteren currently appears on the Fox News Channel. That fact alone is enough to make her a dick. In legal terms, this is referred to as dick ipsa loquitir, or “the dick speaks for itself.”
In her capacity as host of On the Record, Van Susteren’s primary focus is keeping Americans fully up to date on every detail of every attractive young woman who goes missing in Aruba or runs for Vice President.
No matter how much plastic surgery Greta Van Susteren receives, as far as cute cable news anchorwomen go, she’s no Paula Zahn. She’s not even Dana Bash. James Carville dressed in drag might give her a run for her money.
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Early life and education
Greta Van Susteren began smiling with a vague expression of pain from her birth on June 11, 1954, a birthday she shares with the non-bearded member of ZZ Top, the guitarist from Air Supply, Shia LaBeouf, and that super obese Mexican guy who got married on that reinforced four-poster bed all draped out in satin and with a photo spread in People.
She hails from Appleton, Wisconsin, birthplace of another notable dick, Senator Joseph McCarthy. In fact, her father, Urban Van Susteren—yeah, Urban, as in the alcoholic Australian country-western singer who somehow bagged Nicole Kidman—was not only friends with McCarthy, he was the campaign strategist who put him in the Senate in the first place. In fact, when not in Washington, McCarthy lived with the Van Susteren family, in their house. One can only imagine the scarring effect had a young Greta Van Susteren accidentally seen Joe McCarthy’s shriveled-up penis, which she almost certainly did, considering McCarthy was definitely the kind of guy who wore his boxers to the breakfast table.
After graduating from Xavier High School, a snooty Wisconsin private school, Van Susteren attended the University of Wisconsin, whose alumni also include Dick Cheney’s wife, Boz Scaggs, and the guy who played Luke Duke on TV. In 1979, she earned a Bachelor of Dick Arts degree in Economics, and followed that up with a JD, or “Juris Dicktorate,” from Georgetown Law, alma mater of such esteemed dicks as Jack Abramoff, Bob Barr, and various undersecretaries in the George W. Bush Administration.
Career
For nearly ten years, Van Susteren worked as a criminal defense and civil trial attorney. She cut her dick teeth on television in 1991 as a legal commentator on CNN, and soon began co-hosting a show called Burden of Proof, which may as well have called itself “The OJ Simpson Trial: Milked For Everything It’s Worth.” Naturally, Greta Van Susteren took OJ’s side. She also made a name for herself by strikecapitalizing on the Elian Gonzalez custody case and the Florida recount of the 2000 presidential election.
Greta Van Susteren left CNN in late 2001 complaining of “poor treatment” by the network, by which she most likely meant someone said something mean about her crow’s feet. Shortly after, Van Susteren went to work for Fox News, but not before undergoing eyelift surgery, and then talking all about it to any news outlet who’d listen. As such, she is credited with “outing” the prevalence of cosmetic surgery in the TV news industry. This revelation was about as shocking as Clay Aiken’s announcement that he was, in fact, gay.
As the host of On The Record, Greta Van Susteren does it to America right in the eye-hole live on weeknights from 10-11 pm. On The Record is the highest rated cable news program in that timeslot, which sounds a lot more impressive than it is considering she’s only up against Keith Olbermann and BBC World News America. And Anderson Cooper 360, but he’s only good reporting from natural disasters, and really, how many of those are there a year?
While at Fox News, Van Susteren has brought her exploitative expertise to a wide variety of high profile court cases, from Scott Peterson to Michael Jackson to the legal battles over the Anna Nicole Smith estate. She also reported the shit out of the Natalee Holloway disappearance—in fact, she’s still reporting on it, even though no new developments have come to light in nearly five years.
Most recently, Greta Van Susteren has devoted a great deal of air time to watching Sarah Palin “cook” cheese-covered caribou hot dogs at her Wasilla home for hours at a time. Actually, that should be “watchin’” with a dropped “g” at the end. The two also went snow machine ridin’. Apparently the governor’s schedule did not allow enough time to go aerial wolf huntin’.
Personal Life
Greta Van Susteren is married to John P. Coale, the lawyer who represented Lisa Marie Presley in her divorce from Michael Jackson. Van Susteren and Coale are Scientologists. No joke. Scientology is not a laughing matter, unless you retain better lawyers than they do, which is pretty much nobody.
Interestingly enough, Lise Van Susteren, Greta’s sister, is a prominent psychiatrist; the only thing Scientologists hate more than psychiatry is Brooke Shields. Lise Van Susteren was also once a Democratic candidate for U.S. Senate, and her brother Dirk wrote the biography Howard Dean: A Citizen’s Guide to the Man Who Would Be President. You’d imagine Thanksgivings and Christmases with the Van Susterens are tense affairs.
You get the feeling that….
Greta Van Susteren has uttered the phrase “First Dude” more than anyone else on the face of the earth.
Greta Van Susteren won’t be such a big fan when they change it to On The Record with Sarah Palin, and her position as resident babe is usurped.
That said, if the Palins solicited Great Van Susteren for a three-way—even one involving the icy, corporophilic maneuver known as an “Alaskan Pipeline”—they still probably wouldn’t have to ask her twice.
