Geraldo Rivera
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Early Life
Geraldo Rivera began his effrontery to televised news in Brooklyn, New York. His father was Puerto Rican and his mother was Jewish. A famous mustache-wearer in later years, Rivera enjoys the rare distinction of potentially having been both a Sweathog and Mr. Kotter.
Rivera is an alumnus of the University of Arizona, where he participated in varsity lacrosse, a sport played exclusively by dicks. Rivera also attended Brooklyn Law School, to which he recently donated a snack bar. Not a library. Not a scholarship fund. A snack bar. Like all of Geraldo’s contributions to society, it provides unhealthy, bite-size nuggets that are pleasing enough at the time, but that you later deeply regret having consumed.
Prior to his TV career, Geraldo worked as both a lawyer and a cop, two of the top five dick professions in America, along with stockbroker, hot tub salesman, and high school gym teacher.
Name
Contrary to urban legend, Geraldo Rivera’s real name is not Jerry Rivers. It is, however, Gerald Rivera, reflecting his mixed ethnic background. Rivera earned his trademark nickname simply by adding an O to his first name, specifically to emphasize the part of his ethnicity that would allow him to get further ahead at the time.
Moustache
Geraldo sports a trademark moustache that is half 1980s relief pitcher and half cop, with just a touch of gay porn star thrown in for good measure. It is, arguably, the most laughable piece of facial hair in America.
Career
For many years early of his career, Rivera was a well-respected reporter who won several Emmys and a Peabody Award. Those years will not be covered here.
Al Capone’s Vault
Geraldo’s first foray into televised dickdom came in 1986, when he hosted the syndicated special “The Mystery of Al Capone’s Vault.” In the live special, Geraldo excavated what he insisted was the gangster’s treasure trove, despite finding nothing but a few broken bottles, thereby wasting three hours of America’s precious time—time it could have otherwise spent watching Falcon Crest and French-cuffing its jeans.
The phrase “Al Capone’s Vault” has since become synonymous with extremely hyped letdowns, like the senior prom or the Sopranos series finale. The forthcoming Indiana Jones sequel is almost sure to be an “Al Capone’s Vault.”
The Geraldo Variations
Geraldo followed up his vault excavation stunt by inventing “trash TV,” producing and hosting a daytime talk show called Geraldo (though in his defense, who’d watch a daytime talk show called Gerald?)
Thus Geraldo became a one-named talk show personality, less on the order of Oprah and more along the lines of Maury, or, on a good day, a poor man’s Regis.
Throughout its improbable 11-year history, Geraldo covered such hard-hitting topics as “Men in Lace Panties and the Women Who Love Them,” and took an in-depth look at Satanic cults, which Geraldo claimed were a burgeoning epidemic in this country. To date, it is unproven whether one can fight the spread of Satanism simply by wearing a condom.
The show’s most famous moment occurred in 1988, when Geraldo’s nose was broken by Neo-Nazi skinheads, which, to this day, remains the nicest thing anyone has ever done for him. To elicit maximum sympathy, he wore a nose cast for far longer than was medically necessary.
Always the narcissist, Geraldo has hosted several other shows, all named after himself, including The Geraldo Rivera Show, Rivera Live, and At Large with Geraldo. He currently hosts the newsmagazine program Geraldo at Large on Fox. A naked, late-night version of the show, Geraldo After Dark, seems the only logical trajectory for a dick of his magnitude.
Dick Correspondent
Geraldo is also a TV news correspondent. As such, he has an affinity for high-profile stories about divisive issues, thereby allowing him maximum opportunity to pontificate in a facile, overly dramatic manner, usually while wearing tinted sunglasses and some form of scarf, ascot or turned-up collar.
Rivera has the habit of personally involving himself in the stories he’s covering. In 2003, traveling with U.S. forces in Iraq, Geraldo disclosed details of a coming operation while on the air, going so far as to draw a map in the sand. The military denounced his actions, though in Rivera’s defense, the only location to which Geraldo’s map would have led Iraqi insurgents was an empty vault somewhere beneath the streets of Chicago. The incident forced Geraldo to cover the rest of the war from Kuwait. It takes a special kind of dick to get deported from Iraq.
The New York Times also reported that during Hurricane Katrina, Geraldo made a habit of pushing aside actual rescuers in order to be filmed helping victims. Thankfully, no rescuers were harmed due to Rivera’s actions.
Another controversy arose when Geraldo announced he was carrying a weapon while reporting from Afghanistan. Many viewers took issue with the fact that a reporter was armed in the first place, despite the fact that Dr. Sanjay Gupta always hosts CNN’s House Call with a pearl-handled .22 strapped to his ankle. Others pointed out that Geraldo vociferously promoted civilian gun control before his time in Afghanistan, and that his stance on that issue, and by extension all issues, seemed to change as a simple matter of convenience. This is, in fact, the case.
Sailing
On top of everything else, Geraldo is an enthusiastic yachtsman. Recent studies show that even saying the word “yachtsman” immediately boosts one’s dick status tenfold.
