George Will
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Specifically, George Will is the type of dick who wears a bow tie and fastidiously-combed, side-parted hair. By all indications, he is probably a terrible dancer. And almost definitely throws like a girl.
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Education and early life
George Will began cultivating a look most accurately described as Orville Redenbacher meets the guy who played the judge on Night Court from his birth on May 4, 1941, a birthday he shares with Randy Travis, Mr. Fuji, the principal from The Breakfast Club (you know, the one who “raided Barry Manilow’s closet”), and the kid who did the voice of Nemo in Finding Nemo.
Born and raised in Champaign, Illinois, of which he is the second-most celebrated native, after the band REO Speedwagon, George Will attended University Laboratory High School of Urbana, Illinois, of which he is the second-most celebrated alum, after the woman who taught that gorilla sign language.
In 1968, George Will received a Bachelor of Dick Arts degree from Trinity College, alma mater of such celebrated dicks as Tucker Carlson, the guy who discovered the “gay” gene, and the father of those super-annoying Gyllenhaal sibs. Will also received several advanced degrees in politics, one of the dickiest academic pursuits available, from such prestigious dick mills as University of Oxford and Princeton, which, in 1968, named Will a PhD (Pretty huge Dick).
Career
George Will cut his dick teeth working on the staff of Senator Gordon Allott (Dick-CO), a politician best known for having once employed George Will on his staff.
From 1972 to 1978, Will served as editor for the conservative magazine National Review. Reportedly, it was his idea to start inserting centerfolds, the most famous, of course, featuring Barry Goldwater, full-monty. During that time, Will also became a dick editorial writer, or syndick-ated columnist, with Newsweek and Washington Post, for both of whom he still writes. Silver lining: no one reads either of those publications aside from seventh-grade social studies classes, and even then, they mostly just scan the front page right before first bell.
As a journalist, George Will is primarily known for the dickish attribute of injecting conservative commentary into factual reporting no matter how tenuous the connection to what he happens to be reporting about. He’s made a second name for himself as a total d-hole about grammar, vocabulary, and syntax. Oh, and he also gets off on referencing political philosophers you’ve never heard of, then making you feel stupid for never having heard of them, even though, in reality, no one has. Well, not anyone with any kind of life.
Since the early 1980s, Will has been a news analyst for ABC, and was a founding member and panelist on ABC’s This Dick with David Brinkley, now called This Dick with George Stephanopolous (same dick, different name).
George Will is also an avid baseball fan, but one of those sullen, brainiac, erudite baseball fans who’s always trying to equate baseball with ambiguous philosophical precepts. As such, there exists an excellent chance George Will has had his ass kicked at a game. Probably more than once. And he probably deserved it.
Controversies
Of course, no conservative commentator gets to be a conservative commentator without embroiling him or herself in a panoply of controversies. Will’s early highlights include blatantly breaking with journalistic tradition of neutrality by helping Ronald Reagan prepare for debates while simultaneously reporting on those debates, and commentating on speeches given by Bob Dole that he and his wife helped write. Apparently, it was also Will’s idea for Dole to appear in those Viagra commercials—perhaps in preparation for his National Review centerfold?
Most recently, George Will has joined the ever-growing list of Republican pundits to shove their size 10s in their mouths, by incorrectly asserting that China is drilling for oil 60 miles off the coast of Florida when, in fact, it is not, and that sea ice levels are the same as they were 30 years ago, when research clearly shows a decrease of close to two million square miles.
But perhaps Will’s most audacious conflicts included his public excoriation of both the Bush Administration’s handling of the Iraq War, and the 2008 McCain-Palin campaign. True, George Will may, in fact, be willing to break ranks with conservatives, especially when faced with complete and total idiocy, but he’s still a whiny little bitch.
Personal life
George Will has been married twice, currently to Mari Maseng, a Reagan speechwriter and communications director for Bob Dole. Want to know just what kind of dick Geroge Will is? He dumped the mother of his children for a Reagan speechwriter/communications director for Bob Dole. Will makes his home in Washington, DC, which is perhaps the least fun big city in the United States, if not the world. Seriously. Come 11 pm, that place closes up tighter than George Will’s deuce chute.
Books
George Will has authored thirteen books, including Statecraft as Soulcraft: What Government Does; Men at Work: The Craft of Baseball; The Woven Figure: Conservatism and America’s Fabric: 1994-1997; and The Colon: How Using One in a Book Title Makes You Sound Smart; Two, Like an Absolute Freaking Genius.
Awards
In addition to more than 15 honorary, and thus completely meaningless, degrees, George Will also holds more than a dozen awards that no one gives two ring-stingers about. Well, maybe aside from the Pulitzer Prize, but even that’s probably never gotten him laid.
Best example that he’s a loser
George Will likes the Chicago Cubs.
