George Lucas
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
There is a very good possibility that George Lucas nurtures a long-term, unrequited homoerotic obsession with Harrison Ford. In this regard, he joins nearly every American male born between the years 1970-1980.
Contents |
Early Life and Education
George Walton Lucas, Jr. began creaming his jeans over garish visual effects from the moment of his birth on May 14, 1944, a birthday he shares with two other planetary forces in the entertainment industry: New Kids on the Block vocalist Danny Wood (aka the “sporty” one) and C.C. DeVille, lead guitarist of Poison until they kicked him out for drugs, which really must have been a whole crapload of drugs.
Son of retail office suppliers-cum-walnut ranchers Dorothy and George, Sr., Lucas grew up in Modesto, California, a town famous for two things: its number one rank in per capita auto theft in 2005, 2006, and 2008; and for being the birthplace of George Lucas. In fact, such a big, swinging dick is Lucas to the city of Modesto that a statue commemorating his film American Graffiti and its sequel More American Graffiti—which is a lot like the first one only with more graffiti—graces a five-way intersection named George Lucas Plaza. That’s where most of the cars get stolen.
Lucas spent a majority of high school in the dickish pursuit of racing pods little Italian sports cars. Then, he attended community college, bastion of just the type of dick who spends the majority of high school racing little Italian sports cars. After crashing his little Italian sports car while attempting to complete the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs, Lucas transferred to University of Southern California School of Cinematic Arts, where he studied pretentious avant-garde films taught directly by the pretentious avant-garde filmmakers who made them. Graduating in 1967, Lucas joins such other prominent USC alumni as Pat Nixon, Stavros Niarchos, and the dude who founded Costco.
Film Career
USC is where Lucas first met and befriended fellow dick director/bloated wine drunk Francis Ford Coppola, the genius who would ultimately be responsible for such cinematic masterpieces as Captain EO and Tucker: The Man and His Dream.
Together the two co-founded the American Zoetrope production company, then promptly had a falling out, presumably over who had a more impressive double chin. Interestingly enough, prior to Lucas’ departure from Zoetrope, he was actually slated to direct Apocalypse Now, but could not because production was lagging on another project he was already working on, some movie about space and fighting.
American Graffiti: A New Hope
In 1973, Lucas released the low-budget hit American Graffiti, a movie notable in that it depicts Richie Cunningham totally getting it on with Shirley Feeney, and also has that chick from “One Day At a Time,” not the one who married Eddie Van Halen, the other one, almost luring Harrison Ford into committing pederasty. Naturally, it was a runaway success. Not only was it nominated for several Oscars—the operative word, again, being “nominated”—it also made Lucas an instant millionaire.
Star Wars: The (Merchandising) Empire Strikes Back
Funded in part by profits from American Graffiti, Lucas produced, wrote, and directed Star Wars, for which he was again nominated for several Oscars—yet again, the operative word being “nominated.”
Somehow the first Star Wars movie eventually became the fourth Star Wars movie, when, twenty years after the fact, Lucas began releasing new episodes and awkwardly inserting them at the beginning. Still, the entire Star Wars saga ranks as the most financially successful film series of all time. In this way, it suffers from what experts call “The Simpsons Effect,” in which a once groundbreaking creative enterprise gets merchandised within an inch of its life, thus forcing it to stick around long after it stops being good, if only for the lucrative Burger King tie-ins.
For his work on Star Wars, Lucas is credited with several major innovations in filmmaking, most importantly the use of digital effects to add one or two minor cosmetic adjustments to a film already several decades in the can—like slightly sweeter explosions, and blood dripping from the ice planet Hoth’s snow monster’s mouth—that justify releasing a whole new DVD collection every two years. He is also responsible for developing the ball-rattlingly loud modern sound systems found in many movie theaters.
Indiana Jones: Return of the Money
With the release of Raiders of the Lost Ark in 1981, Temple of Doom in 1984 and Last Crusade in 1989, Lucas created the wildly popular Indiana Jones franchise, the second totally awesome saga he would eventually exploit to the detriment of its legacy.
Again, nearly two decades after the fact, Lucas exhumed the corpse of Harrison Ford to reprise his role as Indiana Jones in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. The film was released May 22, 2008, and opened to mixed reviews, which many critics attribute to script issues. Reportedly, the original script was scrapped and rewritten several times by several different writers, forcing the studio to inform increasingly impatient fans that they had top men working on it right now. Top. Men.
Personal Life
In 1969, Lucas married Marcia Lou Griffin, who went on to win an Oscar for her editing work on Star Wars. Yet again, it bears repeating that George Lucas himself has never won an Academy Award. Yeah, okay, they gave him a Thalberg for Lifetime Achievement, whatever that is. Needless to say, he and Griffin divorced.
In 1988 and again in 1993, Lucas totally Michael Jacksoned two children, adopting them as a creepy, half-man/half-kid bazillionaire bachelor, then moving them all into a lavish ranch compound. At a cost $100 million, his Skywalker Ranch includes a barn with animals—Ton-Tons, mostly—vineyards, the man-made “Lake Ewok,” and an onsite restaurant. Try the “Boba Feta Cheese Omelet” with a side of “Darth Taters.” Also, the “Chewbaklavah” is made fresh daily.
In 2005, Lucas was named in Discovery Channel’s 100 “Greatest Americans,” a list that also celebrates such great American dicks as Lance Armstrong, Tom Cruise, Hillary Clinton, Rush Limbaugh, and Dr. Phil. Yes, Dr. Phil.
Virginity
Unless you’re a religious zealot (and even then), chances are George Lucas was—and most likely still is—the primary reason for your sustained virginity.
