Fred Thompson
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Contents |
Biography
Fred Thompson began his all-out assault on the presidency of the United States with his birth in Sheffield, Alabama. Born Fred Dalton Thompson, he, along with George Walker Bush and John Wilkes Booth, enjoys the rather dickish characteristic of having two last names. He grew up in northern Alabama and Tennessee with his parents, Ruth Thompson and Fletcher “I’m so Southern, my middle name is nearly secession” Session Thompson.
In 2007, rumors began to circulate that Thompson would enter the race for the Republican presidential nomination. Subsequently, articles about Thompson stopped focusing on his career as DA Arthur Branch on TV’s Law & Order and began focusing on his former career as, apparently, some sort of U.S. Senator from Tennessee.
Legal Career
Actual
Interestingly enough, Fred Thompson actually practiced law, and not just in that James Woods, method acting kind of way. In addition to a lengthy career in the dick specialties of personal injury and white-collar defense, Thompson served as Senate minority counsel during the Watergate hearings. In that capacity, he was responsible for the famous question: “What did the president know, and when did he know it?"--regarded by historians as directly having led to Richard Nixon’s resignation. And you’ve got to be a pretty big dick to take down an überdick like Nixon.
Thompson further honed his dickery as a Washington lobbyist, championing such issues as deregulating the Savings and Loan Industry and restoring to power Haitian dick/dictator Jean Bertrand Aristide. Neither of these turned out to be good ideas.
Fictional
Like many Hollywood hopefuls, Thompson got his big break when he was cast as himself in the film version of a book about a bribery case argued by his high-priced corporate law firm. He went on to become a character actor comparable to Jeffrey Jones, Rene Auberjonois, and that bald guy who played the principal in Back to the Future, whats his name, you know, he was also in Top Gun? The guy who tells Maverick that if he doesn’t shape up, he’ll be flying a cargo plane filled with rubber dog shit out of Taiwan? Him.
From 2002 to 2007, in his meatiest role, Thompson played Arthur Branch on both Law & Order: SVU and Law & Order: Original Recipe. As such, he would often find himself at odds with that pinko, Jack McCoy, and everyone’s favorite, Serena Southerlyn, the sassy blonde who’s constant whiney feminism was explained away in her last moments on the series when she accused Branch of firing her because she was a lesbian.
Due to equal-time concerns stemming from Thompson’s candidacy, scenes featuring the character of Branch will be excised from re-runs shown on NBC, presumably replaced by extended shots of Ice-T scowling.
Political Career
Actual
In 1994, Fred Thompson was elected to fill the Senate seat left by Al Gore, who was elected Vice Dick of the United States. That same night, Tennesseans also elected noted dick Bill Frist, an event commemorated by the song “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down.” Thompson served as senator until 2003, in a career noteworthy for its un-noteworthiness.
Fictional
Many pundits remark that Thompson’s Hollywood roles, to his benefit, exhibit presidential qualities audiences connect with, in particular, his portrayal of the demanding yet sensitive Bernard Oxbar in Curly Sue and surly FBI Agent Dale Grissom in Baby’s Day Out.
2008 Presidential Campaign: Actual? Fictional?
After building up months of “will he/won’t he” tension, Thompson officially kicked off his campaign in September 2007 with an announcement on the Tonight Show, where he announced his intention to release his announcement video, in which he announced his intention to announce that he intended to run for president.
Prior to the announcement, Thompson had managed to emerge as a strong contender without spending any money or having to fill out all that annoying paperwork. In fact, he was polling higher than most real candidates and was the most popular Republican candidate behind Ronald Reagan.
Since making his candidacy official, however, his campaign had been described as “lackluster” and “awkward.” Thompson appeared to have “few answers” and, in debates, “may not have been be fully awake.” Thompson’s political strategy depended on how many uninformed voters would confuse his acting roles for his real life achievements.
On January 22, 2008, Fred Thompson dropped out of the presidential race. It was the most notable thing he had done since entering it.
Ladies Love Cool Fred
For some odd reason, Fred Thompson is kind of a stud muffin. Apparently quite the swinger during the 1990s, his list of conquests includes a country western singer and a Republican power broker, who, despite having been totally dicked-over, have actually gone out stumping for him. This proves yet again that dicks get all the chicks, even dicks with old balls.
In 1996, Thompson married Jeri Kehn, when he was 60 and she 35. Not only is Thompson old enough to be her father, but, given that they’re both from Tennessee, it’s entirely possible he is.
