Eliot Spitzer
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Spitzer was born and raised in the Bronx borough of New York City, an area composed mostly of poor African-Americans, with a small segment of wealthy whites. Spitzer is not African-American.
Some children that are born wealthy and privileged do not lord their advantages over others and believe that what is really a matter of chance was somehow their due. Spitzer was not this sort of child.
Spitzer went on to attend Princeton University, the number one-ranked school in the country in DPC (dicks per capita), and Harvard Law School, where he met his future, and presently, sad wife, Silda Wall Spitzer.
After graduating, he joined the law firm of Paul, Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton & Garrison, where he's not only a former associate, but he's also a customer -- as this is the firm Spitzer has engaged to defend him in his prostitution scandal.
Two years later, Spitzer began the long road to irony when he became a prosecutor, joining the office of Manhattan District Attorney Robert M. Morgenthau. In the next six years, he became richer at the law firms of Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom and Constantine and Partners. In 1998, Spitzer defeated incumbent Republican dick Dennis Vacco to New York State Attorney General.
As attorney general, Spitzer immediately went after white collar crime: investment bankers, CEOs, finance executives, and traders. In other words, people exactly like himself, often called "type-A-holes."
As these are among the worst people in the world, Spitzer's popularity went up. And in 2006, he was elected governor of New York after defeating a Republican named something "Faso."
His most notable achievement has been managing to stay in office for a year and-a-half.
In March 2008, Spitzer admitted to wrongdoing after The New York Times reported that he was involved in a prostitution ring under investigation by the federal government, making Spitzer one of the few politicians whose popularity ratings are improved by a hooker scandal.
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Early Life and Family
Spitzer was born to Austrian Jewish parents, and raised in the affluent Riverdale section of The Bronx in New York City. His family was not particularly religious and Spitzer did not have a bar mitzvah. Many people find they don't need the grounding of religion to lead upstanding moral lives. And then there is Eliot Spitzer.
Spitzer is a graduate of Horace Mann School, aka, exactly the sort of school you'd think a rich, cocky, entitled bully would go to. Proof that nerds can also be pricks, Spitzer scored 1590 on the SAT exam. Spitzer attended Princeton University, known for its charming eating clubs and wealth-based social hierarchy.
He went on to Harvard Law School, where he met and married Silda Wall. They married on October 17, 1987. Though it is not know what ratio of sexual intercourse Spitzer has with his wife versus high price hookers, it is assumed that he had sex at least three times with his wife, as they have three daughters.
In accordance with his lifelong ability to be involved with dicks, either on the same side or as adversaries, one of Spitzer's classmates at Harvard Law School was loud-mouth Wall Street jackass Jim Cramer, host of CNBC's Mad Money.
Manhattan District Attorney's Office
Spitzer joined the staff of Manhattan District Attorney Robert M. Morgenthau, where, as with Rudolph Giuliani, he immediately gravitated toward the high-profile, publicity-rich cases often sought out by media-whoring future politicians: organized crime.
His biggest case came in 1992, when Spitzer led the investigation against the Gambino organized crime family, which made for a tough case to know which side to root for, sort of like the custody dispute between Britney and K-Fed.
Political Career
After losing the 1994 primary, Spitzer managed to only narrowly defeat Republican hack Dennis Vacco to become New York State Attorney General in 1998.
As Attorney General Spitzer wasted no time in abusing his office for the sake of his political career. But because most of his high-profile cases were mounted against the worst people in American -- Wall Street executives -- his strategy was successful.
Often, his method would be to piggy-back on federal cases by using a New York statute to allow his office to prosecute cases that were considered to be within federal jurisdiction. In January 2005, the president of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce described Spitzer's approach as "the most egregious and unacceptable form of intimidation we've seen in this country in modern times." Again, hard to pick a horse in that battle. Sadly, Spitzer was working in an arena in which it's generally impossible for both sides to lose.
Loan Investigation
Like many of the banker dicks he was prosecuting, Spitzer got ahead the hard way: by having to have an awkward conversation with his wealthy father. In Spitzer's case, that resulted in a multi-million dollar loan his father, Bernard Spitzer, gave him when he ran for Attorney General in 1998. It was revealed that Spitzer lied about it and claimed that he secured the $5 million loan by mortgaging apartments his father had given him. It was later revealed that his father was actually paying off the loans and, therefore, was financing his campaign.
Governorship
In 2006, Spitzer's amazing luck of always managing to find himself in battle with only the most execrable opponents continued in his race for governor. On November 7, 2006 he was able to defeat Republican non-entity, John Faso.
New York is known to have among the worst state politics in the country, largely because of a corrupt dick named Joe Bruno. If there were an Oscar given for the worst state legislators in America, Joe Bruno would have a shelf full of them.
Though Spitzer came in on a platform of reform, his only lasting achievement has been to actually make Joe Bruno look good by comparison, a feat that has likely shocked even Joe Bruno, who is too smart to not hate himself.
Spitzer's gift for charm was exemplified by an exchange with New York State Assembly Minority Leader James Tedisco: "Listen," Spitzer said, "I'm a fucking steamroller and I'll roll over you and anybody else." Though, clearly, he is very, very determined at "fucking," that is not the way the exchange was taken at the time.
Spitzer's ear for politics was shown in a proposal he made in the fall of 2007. With New York State Senator Hillary Clinton running for president, and with illegal immigration already a charged issue in the campaign, Spitzer, one of Clinton's most visible backers, thought it would be a good idea to introduce a bill allowing illegal aliens to get driver's licenses.
After Lou Dobbs' head exploded, and Clinton was put in the awkward position of having to comment on the plan, the bill was finally withdrawn.
Steamroller of Fucking
On March 10, 2008, The New York Times reported that Spitzer had patronized a high class prostitution service called Emperors Club VIP. As it turned out, however, there was no non-VIP section to the Emperors Club. Instead, oddly, the entire club was the VIP section.
As it was revealed, Spitzer met for over two hours with a $1,000-an-hour call girl in room 871 of the Mayflower Hotel in Washington, D.C. under the alias George Fox. As in "sly-like-a..." Spitzer allegedly paid $4,300 in cash to the call girl, named "Kristen," described as a "petite, very pretty brunette, 5 feet 5 inches," and, no doubt to the relief of Lou Dobbs, "American." As many patriots have pointed out, if there can be a silver-lining in this sordid case, it's that at least foreign hookers are not taking jobs away from American hookers.
In an F.B.I. affidavit, "Kristen's" boss Tameka "Rachelle" Lewis told Kristen that she had heard that "Client #9," referring to Spitzer, "would ask you to do things that, like, you might not think were safe..." It is not known to what Lewis was referring, but one possibility is introducing bone-headed driver's license plans for illegal aliens during an election year.
Career as a Columnist
In late 2008, Slate magazine began publishing a regular column by Spitzer about the economy. In typical dick fashion, he quickly bad-mouthed the people who gave him a second chance saying, "[Life as a columnist] sucks. I used to be governor of New York."
