Ehud Olmert
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Ehud Olmert is what is known as a “circumcised” dick, meaning that he pretty much gets to be as big a dick as he likes, as long as the United States stays friends with Israel. When the Middle East oil runs out and the U.S. no longer needs a toehold in the region, there’s a pretty good chance the Promised Land will be promised to someone else. This serves to contextualize at least some of Olmert’s dickery, in that his country is constantly under attack by the type of dick who likes to strap a bomb to himself and get on a bus, hoping to score with virgins. Still, two dicks don’t make a right.
A long-time crony to more charismatic, powerful, and/or competent Israeli politicians, in 2006, Olmert LBJ-ed himself into the executive seat after sitting Prime Dick Ariel Sharon suffered a severe stroke. Since then, Sharon has been Ronald Reagan-ing away in a persistent vegetative state somewhere in the Israeli hinterlands.
Olmert’s resume also includes two terms as Mayor of Jerusalem, a period marked both by large-scale improvements to the city’s infrastructure and the strong-arming of anyone who disagreed with him. That he successfully parlayed his pugnacious mayoralty into national superintendence must make Rudy Giuliani chuck a spaz with envy.
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Biography
Early years
Like a globule of schmaltz in a jar of matzoh ball soup, Ehud Olmert began working his slow, slimy way to the top from his birth on September 30, 1945, a birthday he shares with Fran Drescher, T-Pain, and the dude who played Greg Brady and then later wrote a tell-all book about how he used to bone his TV mom, the Wesson Oil lady.
Born in Binyamina, Olmert is the son of Russian immigrants who, escaping persecution, originally fled to China. The couple subsequently emigrated to Israel after finding out they could actually get better Chinese food there.
Olmert graduated from a Hebrew university in Jerusalem, The Hebrew University of Jerusalem, as a triple dick major, earning degrees in psychology, philosophy, and—like so many other dicks of so many other ethnicities at so many other points in history—law. Yes, in addition to taking bribes, over-zealously wielding military force, and refusing to step aside, he’s also a lawyer.
Like every Israeli citizen—including women, openly gay men, and those guys with the big beards and black hats who are always mumbling and swaying and doing it through a hole in a sheet—Olmert served in the Israel Defense Forces. His service included a stint with the prestigious Golani Brigade, known for its tenacity, skill, and ability to get you a really, really good deal on audio/video equipment.
Family life
Ehud Olmert’s wife, Alize, is a novelist, playwright, and artist. It has also been rumored that she founded “Women in Black,” an anti-war organization directed by Barry Sonnenfeld, starring Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones.
Together, the couple has four biological children, among them a draft dodger, a lesbian anti-war protestor, and a son who leads “creative thinking” workshops.
Political career
Ehud Olmert burst all over the Israeli dick political scene in 1966, when, as a young man barely old enough to buy Manischewitz for himself without having to convince someone to go into the store and get it for him, he called for Menachem Begin’s resignation. Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Menachem Begin. And Begin was all set to retire, too, but then didn’t. Specifically in light of Olmert’s demand.
Seven years later Olmert was first elected to the Knesset, which is a lot like the U.S. House of Representatives, only with more yarmulkes and Fridays off. Not only was he re-elected seven consecutive times, he also served on several committees, and held the position of minister-without-portfolio, a role responsible for minority affairs and keeping the Knesset supplies closet amply stocked with Trapper Keepers.
With the defeat of the Likud party in 1992, rather than stick around as member of a minority party, Olmert totally bailed on the Knesset to run for Mayor of Jerusalem. Then, ten years later, when Likud regained the majority, Olmert split Jerusalem to rejoin the Knesset.
Olmert’s second Knesset gig was characterized largely by his kissing Ariel Sharon’s big fat tuchus. Joining Sharon’s cabinet in 2003, Olmert quickly gained a reputation for suggesting extremely controversial ideas, specifically so that Sharon could gauge just how crazy the other branches of Israeli government would let him get before the checks and balances kicked in. Olmert was the first guy in the pool when in late 2005, Sharon announced he was leaving Likud to form Kadima, a new party largely devoted to beach paddleball.
On January 4, 2006, Olmert became Prime Minister after Sharon was declared incapacitated as a result of a brain hemorrhage brought on by severe reverse anorexia. By February 1, reports of excessive force and police brutality surfaced during the eviction of the West Bank settlement of Amona. Ordinarily, this would not have been a problem, but in this case the police were brutalizing Israelis, not Palestinians.
Olmert also went to work immediately bungling a war with the Lebanese Hezbollah. The 2006 Lebanon War, also known as The July War, took place from mid-July to mid-August 2006, and involved extensive Israeli bombing campaigns on the city of Beirut, which was pretty much already a smoldering pile of rubble to begin with.
This kind of thing might have flown in 2003, before political conservatism went the way of “Pimp My Ride,” back when launching missiles with questionable provocation—all in the name fighting “terrorism”—made you more popular than William Hung riding a Razor Scooter on his way to a Texas Hold ‘Em tournament (see, because all those things enjoyed tremendous popularity). Unfortunately, in 2006, polls showed nearly 70% of Israelis wanted Olmert to resign.
Olmert did not resign. However, he did admit there were some mistakes—just that they existed, not that they he made any of them—right before his chief of staff got busted for selling off stocks hours before the Israeli offensive began. Since then, Olmert’s approval ratings have been deader than the Dead Sea.
Under Olmert, Israel has maintained a policy of ambiguity concerning its possession of nuclear weapons. It is just this type of “will they/won’t they?” tension that made Who’s the Boss such a compelling show—that is, until Tony finally started boinking Angela, after which the series imploded on itself. Perhaps that’s why Olmert continues to detain alleged spy Mordechai Vanunu for divulging to a British news agency details of Israel’s suspected nuclear program. Of course, that information was never made public, as the British press only runs stories about “Wacko Jacko” and whether or not Prince William is still putting the stones to that girl.
After narrowly escaping a 2007 indictment on criminal charges relating to shady dealings he may have been was involved in while finance minister, in May 2008, Olmert found himself again the subject of police investigation, this time for bribery. Despite a no confidence vote in Parliament, Olmert again refuses to resign. That’s because no one ever resigns, unless it turns out they’re gay, or banging high-priced call girls “unsafely,” in a pair of black dress socks.
Oh, and also
You can bet Ehud Olmert wears nut huggers to the beach. And never pays retail.
