Eddie Murphy
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Somehow ranked as the number one grossing actor in history, Eddie Murphy has appeared as a James Brown wannabe, a discontented prince, and a talking jackass. He has also played those roles in film.
In addition to appearing in a total of 33 movies—most of them terrible, including several that could each legitimately claim the title of “Worst Ever”—he was once a regular cast member of Saturday Night Live, a true dick factory if ever there was one. He also enjoyed a minor singing career. Very minor.
Eddie Murphy is known for playing multiple characters in his movies, which is quite often the only interesting thing about them. Another trademark is his deep, infectious, goofy laugh, an imitation of which almost everybody does, along with a “Frizzem, frazzem, frizzem” imitation of Bill Cosby, which is actually an imitation of Eddie Murphy doing an imitation of Bill Cosby. Either way, stop doing it at parties.
Well into his third decade of tired box office bombs, Murphy still continues to consider both cross-dressing and fat suits to be inordinately funny, despite having been amply proven otherwise by Martin Lawrence’s Big Momma’s House.
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Early Life
Eddie Murphy began his meteoric rise toward sad desperation with his birth on April 3, 1961, a birthday he shares with Wayne Newton and Sebastian Bach, ex-lead singer of Skid Row.
He was born in Brooklyn, New York, but grew up on Long Island, where his sense of humor made him a standout amongst classmates at Roosevelt Junior-Senior High School. One of these classmates was Flavor Flav. It could have been worse, though. The Baldwin Brothers lived one town over.
Stand-up Career
Murphy cut his dick-teeth as a stand-up comic and, by age 15, was already working at clubs around New York. Heavily influenced by Richard Pryor, only without the freebasing, Eddie Murphy’s early comedy was provocative and racy, characterized by serious reliance on both the f-word and overt homophobia; the latter, again, most likely a result of his proclivity for purchasing the company of young she-males.
Saturday Night Live
As a regular cast member on Saturday Night Live from 1980-1984, Murphy joined such comic luminaries as Joe Piscopo, Charles Rocket, Gary Kroeger, and that little twerpy guy who played the accident-prone cadet in Police Academies 3 and 4: Back in Training and Citizens on Patrol, respectively. Now there was a guy who could take a golf club to the nuts.
Murphy became a break-out star during the 1981-82 season, creating such well known characters as Buckwheat, Gumby, and an inner-city version of Mr. Rogers named “Mr. Robinson.” Murphy has repaid his debt of stardom to SNL by never attending a single cast reunion or anniversary special, and refusing to participate in the making of any one of several retrospective books and documentaries about the show.
Acting Career
Murphy is a comedic actor of the Robin Williams variety, unable to allow himself the quiet dignity of having created several masterpieces—48 Hours, Trading Places, Coming to America, Beverly Hills Cop, and to a lesser extent Beverly Hills Cop 2—and leaving it at that. No, for some reason, he had to give the world The Adventures of Pluto Nash, which, even six years later, lingers on the tongue like the taste of so much vomit.
After a string of literally 15 consecutive pieces of crap—most often with Murphy in the role of either wise-cracking cop or wise-cracking private investigator—interspersed with several high-grossing, but otherwise supremely embarrassing family-friendly flicks, Murphy “revived” his career in 2006 with a starring supporting role in Dreamgirls. His James “Thunder” Early won both a Golden Globe and a Screen Actors Guild award. He was also nominated for an Academy Award, but who cares, because Murphy didn’t win.
In 2008, not satisfied merely being in terrible movies where he plays all of the characters, Murphy decided break ground by starring in a terrible movie where he plays a character that was actually inside of another character he was already playing. Major similarities to the plot of this defunct EPCOT attraction not withstanding, Meet Dave set the record for the most movie theaters deciding not to show it again after the second week.
Singing Career
Like most dicks, Eddie Murphy also considers himself a singer. Emboldened by Patrick Swayze’s mid-80s foray into one-hit-wondrousness, Murphy recorded and released the single “My Girl Wants to Party All the Time.” This song recently placed #8 on VH-1 and Blender magazine’s “Worst 50 Songs of All-Time.” Murphy also recorded several songs for the Shrek franchise, yet another reason never to see those films.
Personal Life
Eddie Murphy was married to Nicole Mitchell for 13 years, divorcing in April 2006. Very, very shortly after that, it was announced that Murphy’s girlfriend, former Spice Girl Melanie B., was pregnant with his child. Very, very shortly after that, Murphy publicly questioned his paternity. Very, very shortly after that, a DNA test confirmed what everyone knew all along: Eddie Murphy is the kind of dick who actually thinks he’s still cool enough to wear skin-tight leather suits. Also, the kid was his after all.
Most recently, in January 2008, Eddie Murphy exchanged wedding vows with movie producer Tracey Edmonds. Very, very shortly after that it was announced that the wedding was not legal. Very, very shortly after that, the couple decided not to marry after all, and to “remain friends,” the latter, once again, most likely because of the tranny hookers.
Norbit
Norbit. Just… Norbit.
