Donald Rumsfeld
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As Defense Secretary, Donald Rumsfeld boasts several dick distinctions, or “dickstinctions.”
First, he served in the cabinets of both Gerald Ford and George W. Bush, arguably the two douchiest presidents in U.S. history. Well, okay, maybe Martin Van Buren, but at least he had bitchin’ sideburns.
Rumsfeld is both the youngest and oldest person ever to hold the Defense Secretary post, as well as the second longest serving, behind fellow dick Robert McNamara. Lastly, he is the only Secretary of Defense to have the former heads of each branch of the U.S. military call for his resignation.
So profound is the scope of Donald Rumsfeld’s dickery, in other words his “dick breadth,” that the country will continue to smell it for years to come.
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Early life and education
Donald Rumsfeld began comforting Main Street America by instigating wars with smaller, weaker, non-white countries, from his birth on July 9, 1932, a birthday he shares with OJ Simpson, John Tesh, the bass player from Anthrax, and Fred Savage.
Rumsfeld grew up in Winnetka, Illinois, also the dick stomping grounds of Tom Cruise, Richard Marx, and adult film star/convicted cocaine smuggler Paul Thomas (that’s the best porn name he could come up with?).
Like many dicks, Donald Rumsfeld is a product of the Ivy League, attending Princeton University, which is pretty impressive, considering how Jewy his last name sounds. While at Princeton, Rumsfeld roomed with another future Secretary of Defense Frank Carlucci. You can imagine there wasn’t much partying in that room, but probably a fair amount of clandestine masturbation.
For one year, in 1956, Rumsfeld attended Georgetown University Law Center, but did not finish. This actually turned out to benefit him in the long run, considering at least one of his future employers’ regard for book learnin'.
Early career
After cutting his dick teeth in the seemingly incongruous worlds of naval aviation and investment banking, Rumsfeld became a full-blown dick first with his election to the U.S. House of Representatives in 1962, then as a Nixon staffer in 1969. You’d imagine he was not at Woodstock.
Nixon was recorded on tape calling Donald Rumsfeld a “ruthless little bastard.” This is the nicest compliment anyone has ever paid him.
After serving various posts in the Ford Administration, Donald Rumsfeld was finally named U.S. Secretary of Defense in October 1975; he served until 1977. This tenure is marked by major increases in spending and a global proliferation of strategic arms. Not to mention a nice fat profit margin for defense contractors, many of whose CEOs and chairpersons coincidentally happened to be personal friends.
With Carter’s election in 1978, Rumsfeld left to pursue a more lucrative career in private evil, for the next two decades heading up several major pharmaceutical companies. He also sat on the board of an engineering conglomerate that sold nuclear technology to North Korea. You know all those weapons Kim Jong Il has been testing in direct provocation to the balance of world order? Rumsfeld. Oh, he also brokered weapons deals with Saddam Hussein as a special envoy of Ronald Reagan. Hard to say which part of that is worse.
Return to politics
Despite being a lifelong political enemy of President George H.W. Bush, as the saying goes, you can’t keep a big dick down. Also, you have to wonder just what dirt Rumsfeld had on him, because somehow he got himself re-appointed as Defense Secretary exceedingly soon after Bush’s son took office in 2001.
In his second stint at utilizing military force to make the rest of the world hate us, Donald Rumsfeld is best known for leading the planning and execution of the U.S. invasion of Afghanistan in 2001, and then, because the no-bid government contracts turned out to be even more lucrative than Dick Cheney could have forecasted, Iraq in 2003.
Donald Rumsfeld is also noted for taking a special interest in crafting Defense Department propaganda, personally weighing in on interrogation techniques, and tacitly approving of the destruction of priceless cultural artifacts. So while many people—knee-jerk liberals, for instance, the kind of people who shop at Whole Foods—liked to call President Bush a Nazi, they clearly had the wrong guy.
Personal life
Donald Rumsfeld married Joyce H. Pierson in 1954. They have three children and six grandchildren, all of whom are currently paid “consulting” fees by the Carlyle Group.
Rumself currently lives in St. Michaels, Marlyand, interestingly enough in the same plantation house described in Frederick Douglass’s autobiography as the site of his “breaking.” Want to know what kind of a dick Donald Rumsfeld is? He lives in the same house immortalized in literature as the place where one of the most prominent figures in African-American was regularly whipped.
