David and Victoria Beckham
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Victoria
Victoria Caroline Beckham (nee Adams; born April 17, 1974) is a British singer turned dilettante fashionista, trophy wife of soccer superstar David Beckham, and a dick.
Victoria Beckham is also known as Posh Spice, who, along with Ginger, Baby, Sporty, Scary, Happy, Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, and Doc Spice formed the Spice Girls. Alongside Chumbawumba and whoever did that song about girls who like Abercrombie & Fitch, the Spice Girls round out the list of most annoying musical acts of the late middle 1990s.
The Spice Girls
Victoria Beckham began telling the world what she wants, what she really, really wants, with her birth on April 17, 1974, a birthday she shares with fellow bubble-gum popper Nikita Khrushchev, and noted stylist Rowdy Roddy Piper. Remaining true to her privileged childhood, Beckham pretty much just hung around for the first 20 years of her life, until she joined the Spice Girls in 1994. Like most seminal bands, the group formed as the result of a want-ad in the back of some theater rag. Not long after, the media dubbed her “Posh,” for her looks, fashion sense, and smug emptiness.
The group went on to release three albums and managed to sell some 55 million records worldwide, which sounds very impressive, until you learn the same can be said of Meat Loaf. Still, the Spice Girls were wildly successful, considered by many to be iconic symbols of the same decade that bought you genocide, the first Iraq War, and Steve Urkel.
They are also known for popularizing the phrase “Girl Power,” which became the rallying cry of gay men everywhere.
Post-Spice Girls
Following the Spice Girls’ breakup in 2001, Beckham tried her hand at a solo career, and even scored four UK Top 10 singles. Then, she remembered she was married to David Beckham, wondered why she even bothered, and quit.
Since then, Victoria Beckham has kept busy predominantly by wearing large hats and scowling. She and an odd assortment of angular haircuts appear regularly in the tabloids, although paparazzi reportedly dislike her for refusing to smile on request. Perhaps it is because the smile in question resembles two greasy cocktail wieners pulled back to expose an unwrapped packet of Chiclets.
Five
Victoria Beckham has also made five separate documentaries about herself. Five.
David
David Robert Joseph Beckham (born May 2, 1975) is a footballer in England, a soccer player in the United States, boorishly ostentatious in both countries, and a dick.
He is also known for popularizing the phrase “Bend It,” which became the rallying cry of gay men everywhere.
And don’t let the Euro thing fool you, either; he’s every bit the pretty-boy athlete, kind of a drunker, pastier Tony Romo who listens to techno and carries a man purse.
Early life
Beckham was born David Robert Joseph to a kitchen worker and hairdresser who obviously couldn’t make up their minds about exactly which first name to give their only son. Interestingly enough, he claims to be half Jewish. However, this cannot be corroborated, as his name appears nowhere in Adam Sandler’s “Hanukkah Song,” widely regarded to be the official arbiter of such matters.
European Football Career
Quitting school at age 14 to train, Beckham made his debut three years later with Manchester United, which is apparently some sort of professional sports team. During the next 10 seasons, he became a star, leading his team to six Premier League titles, two FA cups, and a UEFA Champions League win—again, these are apparently some type of professional sports championships.
At the end of the 2003 season, Beckham was sold to Real Madrid, a team notorious for glomming up every ounce of talent through high-profile signings, earning them a reputation as the Spanish Yankees, or “Janquis.” Of course, like any over-hyped, over-priced athlete, Beckham’s Real Madrid tenure was extremely disappointing, although it did lead to a tremendous increase in team merchandise sales. For this reason, they kept him around until he really started to suck, and which point they shipped him to that vast repository of used-up Eurotrash, the United States.
U.S. Soccer Career
Unbeknownst to everyone aside from its many, many creditors, there is major league soccer in the U. S., the creatively named Major League Soccer. Beckham signed with the Los Angeles Galaxy in early 2007, for a record-setting $10 million a season ($40 million in endorsements). By comparison, most MLS players earn roughly $30,000. Theoretically, Beckham would make this in about five-and-a-half minutes of game time—were he to actually play. Although Beckham claimed he’d do for soccer what his idol, Michael Jordan, did for basketball, his first incredible feat with the LA Galaxy was to promptly sit out almost the entire 2007 season with “an ankle injury.”
In this country, soccer is not so much of a pastime as it is an annoying affectation, enjoyed by the same people who come back from their semesters abroad listening to French hip-hop and dipping their fries in mayo. The few who play it are a particular breed of dick, the type that walks around with massage-sole Adidas flip-flops and annoying ponytail nubs. Also, lesbians.
Style
David Beckham is also known for dating, marrying, and impregnating—though not necessarily in that order—the only attractive Spice Girl. He did this just because he could.
Oddly enough, he’s also regarded as a fashion plate, which means he gets to walk around in public with his shirt open and no one can say anything about it. His hobbies include wearing sunglasses and posing for photos in tightie-whities.
Despite moving to Los Angeles, Beckham has not expressed personal interest in acting. It’s only a matter of time.
Stinky
Beckham has his own fragrance line. Yeah, his own fragrance line.
David and Victoria
One-half vapid socialite, one-half aging athlete, truly, these are two dicks who thoroughly deserve each other. While viable dicks independently, their full dick potential is not unleashed until they join forces. In this way, they are like dick Voltron.
The Beckhams met in 1997 after a Manchester United game, were engaged a year later, and, after finally negotiating the photo rights to their wedding, got married on July 4, 1999, while sitting atop custom-made golden thrones. Seriously.
Together they are the 619th richest people in Britain, right behind several members of Jethro Tull and the guy who invented Cadbury Creme Eggs.
Not only do the Beckhams ooze bad taste, but they feel the need to drum up publicity for pretty much everything they do, usually by posing in their underwear on magazine covers.
In 2004, David allegedly had an affair with the Beckhams’ assistant, Rebecca Loos. Most likely he was curious how real boobs feel.
The marriage has spawned three offspring, who they went ahead and named Cruz, Romeo, and Brooklyn, thereby ensuring a whole new generation of dick Beckhams for years to come.
Never before has a couple been more destined to wash up on “Dancing with the Stars” or bow out in a spectacular murder-suicide.
