David Blaine
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Early career
Blaine began his career by bringing street magic to the public, performing card tricks and growing a goatee, a facial hair configuration popular among dicks. Using common props like coins, cards and cigarettes, Blaine entertained unsuspecting pedestrians in television specials like “David Blaine: Street Magic,” “David Blaine: Magic Man,” and “David Blaine: Listen, Asshole, I’m Late For Work So Get Those Coins Out Of My Face.” But with a surfeit of imitators trying to ride the wave of indeterminate-race-dick-magic-performed-with-a-cocky-air-of-white-B-boy cool, Blaine soon turned his attention towards the next obvious step in his career: burying himself in a glass coffin like a dead princess.
Public Stunts
Premature Burial
Beginning on April 5, 1999, Blaine spent seven days buried inside a glass coffin at the bottom of an open pit in front of a New York City building owned by noted dick Donald Trump. Passersby could peer into the coffin and experience the awesome power of what it’s like for David Blaine to shut up for seven days. Blaine emerged on schedule on April 12. Within days, his goatee was back to normal.
Frozen in Time
On November 27, 2000, Blaine began a similar stunt called "Frozen in Time," which was the subject of a television special. Blaine was encased in a box of ice for 61 hours, 40 minutes, and 15 seconds before being removed and taken to the hospital to be treated for acute hypothermic dick shock. Within days, his goatee was back to normal.
Vertigo
Blaine's next stunt was called "Vertigo." On Monday, May 22, 2002, Blaine stood on a pole 90 feet high and 22 inches wide for more than 34 hours without food, water, or anything to rest his ego on. His goatee would not return to normal for several weeks.
Above the Below
Blaine sat for 44 days in a Plexiglass box suspended over the River Thames in London. Okay, we get it. Guy keeps magically coming up with ways to do nothing for long periods of time. What else you got?
Drowned Alive
Seriously, there’s more? Fine. On May 1, 2006, Blaine was submerged in a water-filled sphere measuring eight feet in diameter in front of New York’s Lincoln Center. Blaine’s plan was to remain inside the sphere for seven days, then attempt to break the world record for holding one’s breath underwater while freeing himself from handcuffs and chains. While any one of these feats would have been boring, Blaine’s astounding combination of the three was three times as boring.
Blaine failed in this attempt and had to be rescued by support divers. He cried. (See also: David Blaine entry in Pussypedia.)
Revolution
On November 21, 2006, in Times Square, Blaine was suspended 50 feet in the air while strapped by shackles inside a giant gyroscope. Blaine’s magic is appealing to people because it reflects the mystery of everyday situations.
Personal Life
Blaine convinced Fiona Apple to have sexual intercourse with him, and in what may be his greatest trick, has been romantically linked with Madonna.
Trivia
• During his appearance on “Last Call with Carson Daly,” Blaine pretended to pull his heart out and fainted. The incident was staged but NBC almost cancelled the segment. “Last Call with Carson Daly” is a television show no one has ever seen hosted by a guy no one cares about.
• He has Primo Levi's concentration camp number, 174517, tattooed on his left forearm. Both men stand as a reminder of the ability of the human spirit to withstand seemingly endless stretches of time under inhuman, barbaric conditions and be paid handsomely for it, except not Primo Levi.
• There have been many allegations that Blaine is in fact the Antichrist and/or a demon because of his use of magic, but as religious scholars have pointed out, even Satan has better facial hair.
