Condoleezza Rice
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Before joining the Bush administration, she was a professor of political science at Stanford University where she served as Provost from 1993 to 1999. Tragically for the rest of the world, she chose to leave the confines of academia, where, unlike Washington, the results of incompetence are not death and destruction, but a larger office, tenure and a few grad students.
During her time as Secretary of State, Rice pioneered something called "Transformational Diplomacy," a doctrine in which a stable country is transformed into a bloody, failed state soaked in blood, death and tragedy. Many experts agree that Rice's tenure will be looked back on as the most successful example of Transformational Diplomacy in world history.
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Early life
Rice was born in Birmingham, Alabama, the only child of a Presbyterian minister and a music teacher. Rice's name is derived from the Italian musical expression, "con dolcezza," which translates variously as "with sweetness," or "with tragic, bloody, senseless, barbaric, incompetent sweetness."
Growing up, Condoleezza experienced firsthand the injustices of Birmingham's racial prejudice. Having direct knowledge of such racial discrimination was, no doubt helpful later on, when she joined a political party whose existence depends almost entirely upon racial prejudice. Though the Republican Party is full of white people who are experts at exploiting racism, black Republicans know racism from both sides, and so are extremely valuable in helping the Republicans continue to exploit it. At least, the few who are willing to do this are valuable. Sweetness was willing.
As a child, Rice was once relegated to a storage room instead of a dressing room at a department store. She was barred from going to the circus, she was denied hotel rooms, and she was given bad food at restaurants. A neighbor who remembered Rice as being very aware of the discrimination said, "[Condi] used to call me and say things like, 'Did you see what Bull Connor did today?'"
Remarkably, Rice was able to channel all the understandable rage at such treatment into helping the party whose political forebears practiced this prejudice. Actually, not quite all her rage was used to advance the careers of Republican bigots. She had some left over, which she used to fuel her phony moral indignation in making the case to completely fuck up the Middle East.
Education
At age 15, Rice began classes with the goal of becoming a concert pianist. Her plans changed, however, when she realized that she did not play well enough to support herself through music alone and would need to supplement her music income with a side job in ruining the world.
Rice made use of her musical expertise to accompany cellist Yo-Yo Ma for Brahms's Violin Sonata For War Criminals in D Minor at Constitution Hall in April 2002. Rice still plays the piano. If you've ever seen an autistic child play the piano, you have a pretty good sense of how she plays.
Rice attended the University of Denver, where her father served as a dean and taught a class called "The Black Experience in America." It is not known whether his syllabus included a section on black Americans who experience discrimination first-hand and yet are so twisted that they later become lackeys to and apologists for the very people who exploit such discrimination for political purposes.
In 1981, at the age of 26, Rice received her PhD. in Political Science from the Graduate School of International Studies at Denver. Her dissertation centered on military policy and politics in Czechoslovakia, which might explain why her policy expertise in the Middle East has met with the success it has.
Early Political Views
Rice was a Democrat until 1982 when she became a Republican, citing the fact that she was much more likely to advance in a party that needed to hide the fact that the party's electoral fortunes depended on exploiting the racism of Southern whites grew averse to former President Jimmy Carter's foreign policy. She also cited influence from her father. In her words to the 2000 Republican National Convention, "my father joined our party because the Democrats in Jim Crow Alabama of 1952 would not register him to vote. The Republicans did." She didn't mention the fact that the Southern goons who wouldn't register her father were all, by 2000, Republicans.
Academic Career
Rice became a professor at Stanford University in 1981 and soon attracted the attention of Brent Scowcroft, who asked Rice to become his Soviet "expert" on the United States National Security Council in the administration of George H. W. Bush. According to R. Nicholas Burns, President Bush was "captivated" by Rice. Perhaps the elder Bush thought Rice would be perfect for a weird sexless marriage to his fuck-up alcoholic son, George W. If so, he would be right.
At Stanford, Rice was taken under the wing of George P. Shultz, a fellow at the Hoover Institution, a patronage mill and retirement center for failed right-wing hacks. In 1992, Shultz, who was a board member of Chevron Corporation, recommended Rice for a spot on the board. Chevron was pursuing a $10 billion development project in Kazakhstan. As a Soviet specialist, Rice knew the President of Kazakhstan, Nursultan Nazarbayev, a corrupt dictator. But as a strong supporter of human rights and democracy, Rice refused to do the bidding of Chevron and sell-out her beliefs for a few dollars.
Just kidding. Of course she sold out. She traveled to Kazakhstan on Chevron's behalf, and they got the deal. In honor of her work, in 1993, Chevron named a 129,000-ton supertanker the “SS Condoleezza Rice.” Interestingly, had it been the tanker SS Condoleezza Rice and not the actual Condoleezza Rice that had been the National Security Advisor and then Secretary of State, the Middle East probably wouldn’t be any worse than it is now.
Early Political Career
During George W. Bush's 2000 U.S. Presidential election campaign, Rice took a one-year leave of absence from Stanford to work as his foreign policy advisor. Given the fact that three years later, on the eve launching an invasion of Iraq, her advisee George Bush had no clue about the difference between Sunni and Shia, most would agree that Stanford came out the winner in this equation.
During the campaign, Rice led a group of advisors that called itself "The Vulcans." This was apparently in honor of the monumental Vulcan statue, which sits on a hill overlooking her hometown of Birmingham, Alabama, and not the species on the television show Star Trek who are emotionless creatures devoid of humanity, humor or warmth.
National Security Advisor (2001-2005)
On December 17, 2000, Rice was picked by George Bush to serve as National Security Advisor. During the summer of 2001, Rice met with CIA Director George Tenet on an almost daily basis to discuss the possibilities and prevention of terrorist attacks on American targets. That turned out pretty well.
On July 10, 2001, Rice met with Tenet in what he referred to as an "emergency meeting" held at the White House at Tenet's request to brief the NSC staff about the potential threat of an al Qaeda attack. In 2006, Rice claimed she did not recall that meeting, and stated that it was "incomprehensible" to her that she ignored terrorist threats just before September. Of course, many things are both incomprehensible and yet real, like Zach Braff.
Rice was an outspoken proponent of the 2003 invasion of Iraq. After Iraq delivered its weapons declaration to the United Nations on December 8, 2002, Rice wrote an editorial for The New York Times entitled "Why We Know Iraq Is Lying." Whenever she's asked about it now, she rushes to the nearest piano and plays autistically until the questioner leaves.
In the 2004 U.S. Presidential election, Rice became the first National Security Advisor to campaign for an incumbent president. She stated that while: "Saddam Hussein had nothing to do with the actual attacks on America, Saddam Hussein's Iraq was a part of the Middle East that was festering and unstable [and] was part of the circumstances that created the problem on September 11." She further claimed that "the September 11 attackers and Saddam were both bipeds, both mammals, and both existed under the current laws of gravity, which clearly constitutes a legal case of 'conspiracy.'" She then went off and played the piano for 27 hours straight.
In a January 10, 2003 interview with CNN's immaculately coiffed Wolf Blitzer, Rice made headlines by stating the following about an Iraqi WMD: "The problem here is that there will always be some uncertainty about how quickly [Saddam Hussein] can acquire nuclear weapons. But we don't want the smoking gun to be a mushroom cloud."
The "mushroom cloud" is apparently a reference to a nuclear explosion. What Rice therefore meant was that she personally opposed a nuclear explosion going off in the United States. Pairing it with the figure of speech, a "smoking gun," is the kind of thing smart people with Ph.D.s in foreign affairs do. If you're not as smart as Rice, and therefore unable to discuss international relations in such a sophisticated manner, here's what she is trying to say: Rice is not the sort of person who is going to ignore the warning signs of an imminent attack on the United States. Other people, who don't have foreign policy Ph.D.s might, but not Dr. Condoleezza Rice.
On August 6, 2001, the President's Daily Brief was entitled "Bin Laden Determined to Strike in U.S." Asked about this later - apparently there was some sort of an event that happened the next month - Rice commented that "it was information based on old reporting."
Okay then.
Secretary of State (2005-2009)
Based on her nuanced understand of the world, of the threats to the United States, and the difference between "old reporting" and "new reporting," on November 16, 2004, Bush nominated Rice to be Secretary of State. On January 26, 2005, the Senate confirmed her nomination by a vote of 85-13. The nays were the most negative votes against a nominee for Secretary of State since 1825, from which one can conclude: there are 13 a-holes who don't understand that George W. Bush would not reward someone with a promotion. Sorry. Just not the way he works.
Weird sexless marriage to George Bush
At a dinner party while she was National Security Advisor, Rice, who has never been married, referred to George Bush as "my husband," before quickly correcting herself. That explains a lot.
