Cindy McCain
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As a potential though seriously long shot First Lady, anything and everything about Cindy McCain was seized upon and exaggerated by the media. Like her hideously plastic appearance. And the period of her life she spent zonked out on Percocet. And that she obviously has a fetish for old balls.
McCain is chair of Hensley & Co., one of the largest Anheuser-Busch beer distributors in the nation. Essentially, this makes her a legalized drug kingpin. Of course, better that than ketchup czar, but still.
Cindy McCain wishes she were Michelle Obama so bad, it gives her sweater bullets just thinking about it.
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Early life and education
Cindy Lou Hensley began pulling her skin tighter than a virgin’s daughter from the moment of her birth on May 20, 1954, a birthday she shares with Dr. Kevorkian, fellow maxillofacial surgery enthusiast Cher, Ron Reagan—not the President, but his son, the failed liberal talk-show host/ballet dancer—Busta Rhymes, and the fat chick from Facts of Life.
She hails from Phoenix, Arizona, a city pretty much entirely inhabited by the type of dick who likes to siphon off hundreds of billions of gallons of water from the Colorado River just to be able to play golf in the desert, in a state pretty much entirely inhabited by the type of dick who likes to vote “NO” on recognizing Martin Luther King Day as a national holiday.
The daughter of James Willis “Jim” Hensley—who, at the time of his death was one of Arizona’s richest men, alongside Judas Priest front man and longtime Paradise Valley resident Rob Halford—McCain grew up an only child in a pukingly affluent home. In fact, she was named the 1968 Junior Rodeo Queen of Arizona, a statewide competition in which the winners of a beauty pageant saddle up and ride around on the losers.
McCain attended Central High School—whose other notable alumni include the lead singer of Mr. Mister—and then University of Southern California, alma mater of such celebrated dicks as George Lucas, O.J. Simpson, and the guy who founded California Pizza Kitchen. Jamaican Jerk Pizza = Jamaican Jerk awful.
At USC, Cindy McCain pulled double dick duty as both a cheerleader and sorority sister—of Kappa Alpha Theta, the same sorority as current First Lady Dick, or “Ladick,” Laura Bush—before making the decidedly non-dick decision to decline a role in the family business in order to work with disabled children. Of course, she would eventually dick-over the disabled kids and take a seven-digit salary at her daddy’s company.
In April 1979, she met John McCain at a military reception in Hawaii. The one-night stand must have been exceptionally good, considering that the second Mrs. McCain quickly set about stealing him from the first one, a woman who had single-handedly raised his three children while he was in a Vietnamese POW camp for five years. While she was recovering from a near-fatal car crash. One can’t help but deduce from this that Cindy McCain gargles a pretty mean marble, fellatially speaking. Or, like many American wives, at least did before they got married, which they did less than a month after John finalized his divorce. His divorce from the crippled woman whose tireless activism helped spring him from said Vietnamese camp. While some flap has arisen about the 18-year discrepancy in their ages, of their May-December relationship, she maintains that John McCain isn’t old, just fine beech-wood aged
Charity Work
For a brief period in the mid-to-late 1980s, following her husband’s election to U.S. Congress, Cindy McCain devoted herself to charity work in the developing world, even going so far as to adopt a Bengali orphan. These activities will not be covered here.
Drugs
Like former First Lady Betty Ford, Cindy McCain had a little thing for prescription opioids, which she originally started taking to kill the pain of spinal surgery. She continued these pharmacological exploits to kill the pain of the Keating Five scandal (the Keating Five were kind of like the Jackson Five, only without the afros, Saturday morning cartoon show, and sex with fans while underage brothers watched from the next hotel bed). Cindy McCain obtained her various pharmaceuticals by stealing them from the volunteer international medical team she founded.
Role in 2000 presidential campaign
The most important influence Cindy McCain had on her husband’s 2000 presidential bid was divulging his love for the Star Wars trilogy. This sealed the all-important 40-year-old-dude-who-still-lives-with-his-mother, wears-sweat-pants-and-listens-to-Rush vote.
Intermission
Between her husband’s first doomed stab at the White House and what will eventually become his second, Cindy McCain became worth $100 million and bought a piece of the Arizona Diamondbacks, a team whose roster boasts the highest number of rednecks in the major leagues. She also became actively involved with the non-profit medical service Operation Smile. Apparently, she likes to hang out by the dispensary with a big bag and a suspicious look on her face.
Role in 2008 presidential campaign
Cindy McCain was visible, if not exactly active, in her husband’s seemingly endless campaign for the 2008 election. Early on, she made several statements critical of the Bush administration. She has since been warned. Like her husband, she opposed the military’s use of “waterboarding,” though she did support “beerboarding,” a controversial practice of buying round after round after round until your captive finally agrees that Budweiser is actually an enjoyable beer to drink. Cindy McCain also asserted that she would be more of a “traditional” First Lady, meaning that she would not attend Cabinet meetings, but continue her humanitarian work overseas. Also, she would start wearing pearls. The campaign said it would wait to decide how to handle her role in Hensley & Co., though it was widely assumed that she would continue foisting her piss-tasting swill on America.
In an attempt to seem more relatable to the average American, Cindy released a book of McCain family recipes, though some of the recipes were plagiarized from the Food Network.  More surprising, however, was that Cindy McCain actually thought the American electorate would believe she had cooked a meal before.
After agreeing with her husband that candidate's families should be above criticism and derision, Cindy began attacking Barack Obama by implying that he was against the troops. The timing of these remarks, in the waning moments of the essentially-defeated campaign, proved not only tasteless, but also useless. Much like Cindy McCain's "cooking."
After the election, the National Enquirer printed photos of Cindy kissing an unidentified man. This left Americans horrified, as most believed they would escape 2008 without having to picture Cindy McCain doing anything remotely sexually suggestive.
