Betsy McCaughey
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
While her life has taken many turns and she has followed many dreams, she has always had one true passion: lying. She enjoys nothing more than the thrill of misleading American people into thinking health care reform is a bad thing. Following the advice that you should “do what you love,” McCaughey has led a successful career as a certified liar.
Her analytical fabulations about health care legislation have single-handedly stymied reform on two occasions. Her undeserved political influence is even more impressive when you consider that her pants have literally been on fire.
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Early Life
Betsy McCaughey was born on October 20th, 1948. Doctors recall that before she was born, McCaughey refused pre-natal care on the grounds that no baby should be subjected to "beginning of life counseling." Meanwhile in Alaska, a baby Palin caught wind and coined the phrase "birth-panels."
In 1972 she married the invest banker Thomas K. McCaughey. She then trained in the corporate banking department at Chase Manhattan Bank while her completing her Ph.D. in "Americans, and How To Lie to Them." During this time, McCaughey also hosted dinner parties at the family's Park Avenue apartment. At one party, she regaled her guests with the story about the time she had a sword fight with a polar bear.
Last Name
Betsy McCaughey's last name is only a few letters short of McConaughey (of "Matthew" Fame), which is a shame because if she began all of her lies with "Alright, alright, alright," she would be more well-liked. However, if like Matthew, she took off her shirt on a regular basis, she would most likely kill anyone in sight. Given her apparent opposition to universal health care, perhaps that's her next move.
The New Republic Article
By 1994, McCaughey had bluffed her way into periodically writing op-ed columns for "The Wall Street Journal," "The New York Times," "USA Today," and "Dick Weekly" (actually a quarterly magazine), somehow convincing "The New Republic" that she was someone worthy of writing a cover story on a health care plan proposed by President Clinton.
McCaughey wrote an article attacking the President's attempt at health care reform and made entirely fictitious arguments about what the bill would do. The title of the piece, "No Exit," implies that the Clinton health care system would lock people in to government-run care. However, "No Exit" is also the sensation that people feel when McCaughey talks to them at parties.
She claimed that the bill would "prevent you from going outside the system to buy basic health coverage you think is better," and that "doctors can be paid only by the plan, not by you." Given her status as a big fat liar, it should not be surprising that the House bill actually barred prohibiting "an individual from purchasing any health care services."
On January 31, 1994, the Clinton White House issued a 9-page analysis of "No Exit," and said that the article contained "numerous factual inaccuracies and misleading statements." However, it was too late. McCaughey's "findings" had done their damage, as media outlets repeated them enough that they were eventually perceived as true, effectively killing any chance for the bill to pass.
Political career
Ironically it wasn't until after she had a substantial impact on the political arena that McCaughey officially became a politician, becoming New York's Lieutenant Governor under George Pataki. Tensions between the two reached a breaking point when McCaughey inexplicably stood up during his entire State of the State address.
In 1998, after McCaughey held a meeting just to tell everyone that she rode a unicorn, Pataki realized that she was crazy and dumped her from his ticket. Because she's not a real politician, McCaughey had no problem switching parties and becoming a Democrat in order to run against him. She did not receive the nomination. Because she has no shame, she accepted the nomination of the Liberal Party. Because nobody likes her, she only received 1.65% of the vote.
2009 health care reform
After leaving office, McCaughey spent her days inventing a pair of pants that had gasoline pre-soaked into the material, which would save her time when lighting them on fire.
She used that time to pen an op-ed for Bloomberg.com, titled "Ruin Your Life With the Obama Stimulus Plan." The lies in the article included:
"Congress would make it mandatory — absolutely require — that every five years people in Medicare have a required counseling session that will tell them how to end their life sooner."
She said those sessions would help the elderly learn how to "decline nutrition, how to decline being hydrated, how to go in to hospice care ... all to do what's in society's best interest or in your family's best interest and cut your life short."
And before she knew it, her pants flared up of their own accord.
Though it's been proven that McCaughey's interpretation of the bill was completely false and alarmingly distorted, one can understand where she's coming from: everyone who meets her wants her to die. And it's a safe bet to assume that all doctors do as well.
Like in 1994, McCaughey's lies caught on with fellow dicks such as Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. Always a fan of meaningless buzzwords, Palin purveyed the life counseling provisions as "Death Panels." The rest is history. It should be noted that history is meaningless to McCaughey; if you asked her who fought in the in Revolutionary War, she would say, "Tacos." And she'd mean it.
Dutiful citizen
McCaughey has crafted a persona as a concerned citizen who just happened to have stumbled on a disturbing truth. She recently resigned from the Board of Cantel Medical Corporation over concerns that she may somehow be viewed as a professional.
With her amateur status reclaimed, she appeared on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart carrying a comically large binder, seemingly saying, "Look what I found in the dressing room, isn't that random? Now, while I have it, let's turn to page 425."
It should be noted that McCaughey had no political agenda or motivation to spread a sea of lies. She was just a dick who thought, "It's my duty as a person with no background in health care to pore over this and warn people of its dangers." McCaughey claims that she read and reread every word of each legislation, though there has never been any proof that McCaughey actually knows how to read.
Sworn enemy
Betsy McCaughey has one sworn enemy. It goes by the name of Factcheck.org.
