Barry Bonds
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Along with steroids, Bonds has baseball in his blood, being the son of All-Star outfielder Bobby Bonds, the godson of Baseball Hall of Famer Willie Mays, and a distant cousin of Baseball (and Dick) Hall of Famer Reggie Jackson.
Contents |
Early Life
Bonds started his baseball career in San Mateo, California, where his three stellar years on the varsity team of Junipero Serra High School led to his being drafted by the San Francisco Giants as a high school senior. When the team’s offer of a $70,000 signing bonus fell $5,000 short of the amount Bonds was demanding, he snubbed the team and instead went off to college.
Much has been made of Bonds’ decision to further his education instead of turning pro, but to be fair to real college graduates, it should be noted that Bonds attended Arizona State University, which landed the blue chip recruit with a Corleonean offer of year-round sunshine, world class athletic facilities, and a storied tradition best summed up by the unofficial school motto: Minor Optis, Magis Pectus (Less Work, More Breasts).
Though Bonds went on to become one of the greatest collegiate baseball players of all time, propelling ASU to the College World Series (where he tied the NCAA record with seven consecutive hits), his surly attitude made him difficult to put up with. Nonetheless, he ultimately had a positive impact on team unity, as his Sun Devil teammates twice voted 22-2 to kick him off the squad.
Ironically, given his indictment later in life on perjury and obstruction of justice charges, he graduated in 1986 with a degree in criminology.
Family Life
If his first wife, Sun, is to be believed, Bonds’ slugging exploits have not been limited to the baseball diamond. Sun testified that he beat and kicked her, once when she was eight months pregnant. Since this was many years before he is believed to have begun taking the designer drug tetrahydrogestrinome (THG), such violence cannot be attributed to “’roid rage” and must rather be considered part of his innate dickish nature. Despite his having been sufficiently fond of Sun to have effusively praised her to a Playboy magazine reporter as having “more patience than toilet paper,” the marriage did not survive, and the 1994 divorce proceedings went all the way to the California Supreme Court, which upheld Bonds’ iron-clad pre-nup.
In 1998, Bonds wed second wife Liz Watson, on whom he’d been cheating before the marriage – and continued to cheat post-nup – with Kimberly Bell, who parlayed her notoriety as Bonds’ long-time mistress and witness in the perjury investigation against him into a nude spread in the November 2007 issue of Playboy.
In 2005, Bonds brought his 15-year-old son Nikolai to a press conference. After checking with photographers that Nik was in the shot, Bonds let loose a tirade about the negative impact on his family that the constant media scrutiny had.
Synthetic hormones
Contrary to the laws of nature – though in accordance with the laws of commencing to introduce into the body illegal performance-enhancing substances – Bonds’ batting achievements increased dramatically as he headed toward 40. This is widely believed to be the result of his having begun taking anabolic steroids to increase his size and strength. The change in Bonds’ appearance from the end of the previous season was undeniable. Giants management, unwilling to enrage their petulant star with unproven allegations, instead chalked up Bonds’ new look to the muscle explosion, skull growth, testicle shrinkage, back acne, swollen feet and jaundice that all men naturally experience at age 34.
The increase in his shoe size from a 10.5 to a 13 can be simply attributed to a late growth spurt.
BALCO
Bonds has been a key figure in the investigation of the Bay Area Laboratory Co-operative (BALCO), which had been helping athletes test negative for steroids since 1998. In 2003, Bonds’ trainer Greg Anderson of BALCO was indicted by a federal grand jury for supplying athletes, including several major league baseball players with anabolic steroids. Bonds denied taking them, claiming that his evolving physique and increasing power were attributable to bodybuilding, diet, and legal supplements. He testified that he’d believed that “the cream” and “the clear” he’d been supplied by Anderson were arthritis balm and flaxseed oil. (Bonds is also rumored to have asked for leniency due to the family canine’s consumption of his homework.)
Other illegal substances
In 2006, Bonds tested positive for amphetamines. Though he initially tried to weasel out of it, claiming that the speed had been taken from teammate Mark Sweeney’s locker, he ultimately decided against pursuing this excuse.
And, oh yeah, his major league career
Bonds holds 17 baseball records, including the two most widely celebrated ones – most career home runs (762) and most home runs in a single season (73) – and was voted the National League’s Most Valuable Player a record seven times. Despite those achievements, the first word that springs to any sentient being’s mind at the sound of his name is either “steroids” or “dick” (or “steroids-taking-dick”).
Indictment
Bonds was indicted on November 15, 2007, on perjury and obstruction of justice charges in connection with the BALCO investigation. He faces up to 15 years in prison if convicted on all counts. Among the inmate population, being a dick is not believed to be a big plus.
