Ayatollah Khamenei
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Ayatollah Khamenei has been described as one of the three biggest influences on the Islamic Republic, the others being Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, leader of the revolution, and the tag-team of The Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkov, whose victory over Barry Windham and Mike Rotunda in WrestleMania 1 remains one of the proudest moments in Iranian history.
President from 1981 to 1989, Ayatollah Khamenei succeeded Ayatollah Khomeini as Supreme Leader of Iran. Anyone who takes the title “Supreme Leader” is also, by definition, a supreme dick. Well, maybe except for Diana Ross, but even she’s kind of being a c-u-next Tuesday about Michael Jackson’s will.
Khamenei is a Shia Muslim, as opposed to a Sunni Muslim, two sects of Islam who hate each other both despite and because of their extreme underlying similarity, sort of like Sean Hannity and Keith Olbermann.
For most of his tenure, Khamenei has been more of a behind-the-scenes dick, a Puff Daddy to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s Notorious B.I.G., so to speak (and we all know how that ends, with Ahmadinejad gunned down on his way home from the Soul Train Music Awards).
During the presidential elections and subsequent protests of June 2009, however, Khamenei whipped out his dickishness for the whole world to see. Good luck getting him to zip it up, now. Silver lining: it just might be worth dredging up those old “Ayatollah Ass-a-hollah” T-shirts you’ve had in your basement since 1989.
Don’t let the dastar fool you. Once he gets a couple of dooghs in him, Ayatollah Khamenei can Baba karam with the best of them.
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Early life
Ayatollah Khamenei began carefully nurturing a really awesome crazy-guy beard from his birth July 17, 1939, birthday he shares with Keifer Sutherland’s father, the original percussionist from Kraftwerk, and David Hasselhoff.
Second eldest of eight children, Khamenei was born and raised in Mashhad, where he studied rudimentary and advanced Islam at the Mashhad Hawza. Apparently, it was too much of a party hawza for him, as he left in 1957 to study first in Najaf, and then, shortly after, Qom. In Qom, he attended classes with Ayatollah Khomeini, who, you’d have to imagine, probably had some seriously unholy teacher breath.
Political life and presidency
Khamenei spent the next two decades inching his nose further and further up Ayatollah Khomeini’s kefta kebob-encrusted rectum. Not only did Khomeini appoint him to the post of Friday Prayer Leader, he also named him host of “Friday Night Videos,” as seen on Tehran’s local NBC affiliate.
Qualified by his education in religious theory and Persian poetry, Khamenei served as Minister of Defense as well, and eventually became supervisor of the Islamic Revolutionary Guards, which, incidentally, is also the name of Iran’s leading brand of adult diaper.
In 1981, after luckily surviving an assassination attempt by exploding briefcase, Khamenei replaced sitting president Mohammad-Ali Rajai, who unluckily did not. Khamenei won by 95 percent of the vote, a figure made even more impressive considering he’d placed the other five percent of the electorate under house arrest.
Ayatollah Khamenei served as president until 1989. His administration was marked by severe state repression, terror, and killings, although to be fair, under Iran’s interesting idea of democracy, President Khamenei was really only a figurehead repressor, terrorist, and killer.
Supreme Leader
On June 4, 1989, less than 24 hours after his death, Khamenei succeeded Ayatollah Khomeini as Supreme Leader of Iran, elected by the Assembly of Experts (which is, in turn, selected by the Supreme Leader).
While not an official government position, the Supreme Leader is more of a jurist or “guardian.” As such, nothing is lawful unless approved by Ayatollah Khamenei, even fan voting on Iranian Idol.
And while Khamenei is noted for taking great pains not to appear as an executive by staying out of day-to-day politics, he retains the right to “correct” any government policy or decision at any level. He also gets the nicer office.
Ayatollah Khamenei is considered less charismatic than Ayatollah Khomeini, and, let’s face it, not even close to as good-looking. In his speeches, delivered under the guise of religious sermon, he regularly spews the usual deal: justice, independence, and self-sufficiency for Iran despite the blatant lack of all three; death to America; death to Israel; please pass the lavash.
Khamenei is also noted for his particularly strict interpretation of Islamic law, specifically his opposition to liberalization, modernization, homosexuality, music education, and women’s rights. He also supports compulsory hijab, but not, interestingly enough, compulsory handjobs. Too bad, considering how much pent-up stress they seem to have over there.
2009 Iranian Election Protests
In response to demonstrations following the 2009 Iranian presidential election, Ayatollah Khamenei called the results “divine assessment” and urged the nation to unite… then he ordered police and paramilitary groups to fire live ammunition at his own people.
Personal life
Ayatollah Khamenei is married and has six children, all of them hard-line clerics. You can imagine Father’s Day is a real blast over there.
His hobbies include reading, translating ancient Persian texts, stifling the press, imprisoning critics (including his own brother), jamming the Internet, sentencing human rights activists to public whippings, and stamp collecting.
