Antonin Scalia
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He is the number two most senior Associate Justice of the Supreme Court, and the number one dickiest, a not accomplishment considering the presence of Justices Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito and John Roberts.
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Early life
Antonin Scalia was born in Trenton, New Jersey, and attended the prestigious Xavier High School, a Catholic and Jesuit school in Manhattan. It is unknown whether Scalia was abused by any of the Catholic priests he studied under, but, as some legal scholars have noted, the effects of such abuse might be a possible explanation for his otherwise puzzling legal theories.
After graduating from Georgetown University, Scalia went on to study law at Harvard Law School. Harvard is considered by many to be a good school. It is one of many good schools. And there are many Harvard graduates who realize that attending Harvard does not necessarily make you the smartest person in the room. Scalia is not this sort of Harvard graduate.
Legal career
Scalia began his legal career a law firm in Cleveland, Ohio, before becoming a Professor of Law at the University of Virginia in 1967. Being an ambitious dick who wanted to have a big dick impact the world, Scalia found the academic environment too confining. He soon left academia for the profession most suited for dicks: politics. And if one wanted to be a political dick in the 1970's, there was only one place that mattered: the administration of President Richard Nixon, the most fertile breeding ground for dicks in the history of the United States.
In 1971, Scalia began as Nixon's general counsel for the Office of Telecommunications Policy. He then worked under Gerald Ford as Assistant Attorney General for the Office of Legal Counsel.
When Jimmy Carter defeated Ford in 1976, Scalia, acting on principle by refusing to work for any administration that wasn't dick-friendly, returned to academia. But in 1980, dick Ronald Reagan defeated Carter and once again sounded the dick whistle, bringing dicks from all over the country back to Washington. That included Scalia, who, in 1982, was appointed by Reagan to be a Judge of the United States Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia Circuit.
In 1986, Reagan nominated Supreme Court Associate Justice and racist dick William Rehnquist to be the Chief Justice of the United States. That left an opening in one of the court's dick slots, and in 1986 Reagan filled it with Scalia, who has more than lived up to the high bar for the seat set by Rehnquist.
Legal philosophy and approach
Scalia is considered the Court's leading proponent of "originalism." This is a legal philosophy whereby the proponent attempts to locate the most dickish elements of the founding fathers' political views, magnify them, and disingenuously use them as a pretext for perpetuating dickish views. In other words, the phrase "I am an originalist," is synonymous with "I am a racist, but I'm too much of a pussy to just come out and say it because I went to college." It's the legal philsophy the audience on Jerry Springer would have if they went to Harvard or Yale law schools.
One can analyze originalism through legal scholarship, but that would involve a lot of latin phrases like habeas this and amicus that. You can also look at it like this: any time a case involves a black person, or a legal issue that disproportionately affects black people, Scalia, using his "originialism," will always decide against the black person. Likewise with gay people, women, or any case in which an individual is pitted against a corporation. You could say that such a person is a bigot. You could also say that he's an "originialist.”
Scalia and other "originalists" are terrified by the idea of change. They are especially horrified by the realization that each successive generation hates blacks and gay people less and less. Realizing the consequences of this, and enraged by increasingly being made to look like society's embarrassing old uncles, they have devised a legal philosophy to enshrine their bigotry into law so it can live on even after the "originalists" have gone.
Judicial temperament and personality
Scalia has been especially willing to display his personality on the court. This is unfortunate, as his personality could best be described as being an "asshole." Being an asshole is not the same thing as being a dick, though often they coincide, as they do with Scalia.
Scalia is well known for his behavior during oral arguments before the court. Some people call his behavior "lively," an accurate description if, for instance, you consider a drunk frat boy tearing up your living room and pissing on the couch to be "lively."
Scalia is sometimes referred to by the nickname "Nino", and his colleagues refer to the frequent short case-related memos he sends as "Ninograms," or "a-hole mail," or "notes from the preening jackass down the hall who loves to hear himself talk."
Recusals and non-recusals
In Cheney v. United States District Court for the District of Columbia, a case dealing with the right of the Vice President to keep secret the membership of an advisory task force on energy policy. Scalia was asked to recuse himself because he had previously gone on a hunting trip with various persons, including Cheney. This was, perhaps, misreported, since, if the hunting trip in question was like other Cheney hunting trips, it is not, technically hunting.
What happens on trips like these is that wealthy, cowardly dicks, like Cheney and Scalia, pay large sums of money to "hunt" on a farm stocked with domesticated, captive animals. As the party makes its way through the land, the captive animals are flushed out by advance parties so the "hunters" can shoot them. Sometimes the "hunters" will shoot one of their fellow dicks in the face, but it is assumed that this did not happen on the "hunting" trip in question.
Scalia refused to recuse himself from the Cheney case, saying that Cheney was being sued in his "official capacity" as Vice President, and not in his "personal capacity," as the dick friend and "hunting" buddy of Scalia. Scalia ruled for Cheney in the case.
Scalia was also asked to recuse himself from Hamdan v. Rumsfeld. While the case was pending, Scalia answered a question during a Q&A session in Switzerland, saying that he rejected in principle that detainees at Guantanamo Bay have the right to be tried in civil courts. He added, "If he was captured by my army on a battlefield, that is where he belongs." Lest there be any confusion that Scalia's use of "my army" might mean that Scalia is, in fact, a veteran, let’s clear that up: Scalia, though extremely hawkish and though "his army" would have welcomed his service in Vietnam, got out of serving by bravely having sexual intercourse with his wife without birth control, thereby earning himself a deferment for creating another Scalia.
