Anderson Cooper
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Anderson Cooper works in the cable news, or “anchortainent,” industry. As the current host of yet another self-titled news program, Cooper gets to have it both ways. (This is not to cast aspersions on his sexual preference—whatever it happens to be—just that his show Anderson Cooper 360 broadcasts from New York City, which means he works for CNN but escapes having to live in Atlanta.) Despite AC 360’s popularity, Anderson Cooper still totally gets his ass whipped by Lou Dobbs every night. (Also, not to cast aspersions on his sexual preference; Dobbs only whips Anderson Cooper’s ass in terms of ratings, at least so far as anyone can confirm.) Anderson Cooper has been to Africa many times, and will not hesitate to remind you at intervals of every five minutes, especially if you are Angelina Jolie.
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Early life and education
Anderson Cooper began mistakenly believing he was important just because he reads important things off a teleprompter from his birth on June 3, 1967, a birthday he shares with such memorable individuals as Chuck Barris, Lynyrd Skynyrd’s keyboard player, and the lead guitarist from Slayer. Cooper enjoyed a huge head-start in life as the son of socialite Gloria Vanderbilt, which makes Anderson Cooper heir to a designer jeans empire. Again, we’re not saying, but we’re saying. And in case you needed any more evidence, as a young teenager, Cooper worked as a fashion model for Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein. In 1984, Anderson Cooper graduated from the super snootstery Dalton School, alma mater of similarly mediocre though nonetheless famous Chevy Chase, Ferris Bueller’s sister (you know, “Baby” from Dirty Dancing), and that dude who eats goat hearts and fried scorpions and stuff on the Travel Channel. He’s also gay, by the way. Probs. Anderson Cooper continued his education at Yale University, a historically famous dick breeding ground (e.g. both Presidents Bush, John Ashcroft, and that lacrosse-playing A-hole Nate Archibald from Gossip Girl). During college, Anderson Cooper interned at the Central Intelligence Agency, which has never, in its 61 years of existence, ever employed anyone who wasn’t a dick.
Career
Throughout the late 1980s and early 1990s, Anderson Cooper made quite a name for himself by exploiting various conflicts in the developing world, often while wearing the same tight-fitting golf shirt and the well-rehearsed expression of earnestness he still employs today. Cooper became a correspondent for ABC News in 1995, eventually taking the co-anchor position (yet again, not a statement of his sexuality, just his job title). He left World News Now in 2000, coincidentally during a period of relative global stability, to host a reality TV show. He also began grooming himself to be the next Regis Philbin. Cooper returned to broadcast news at CNN on September 12, 2001, after 9/11 insured a seemingly endless supply of violence and aftermath upon which to capitalize. And then global warming enabled Anderson Cooper to start what would become a very lucrative side gig reporting on the biggest ecological catastrophes of 2005: the flood Sri Lanka, the famine in Niger, and, most famously, Hurricane Katrina. In fact, it was Cooper’s whining to various officials, including dick Senators Mary Landrieu and Trent Lott, that dick catapulted—or “cat-dick-pulted”—him to stardom. For his Katrina coverage, Anderson Cooper is generally credited as the man who brought “emo” to television journalism. In September 2005, CNN doubled its show NewsNight from one hour to two hours to cover the unusually violent hurricane season. Incidentally, CNN never changed it back, which is why they continue to dispatch some sap in a slicker the split second a singe drop of rain falls anywhere in the contiguous United States. Two months later, Anderson Cooper benefited from another lengthening (for the last time, not to cast aspersions, this is only noting that CNN doubled AC 360 because his ratings on NewsNight were so high). Since then, Anderson Cooper’s frosty, blue-eyed visage has beamed into millions of American homes every night, often reporting from the scene… or at least a mock-up that looks like the scene.
Writings
Like most TV news dicks, Anderson Cooper also fancies himself a writer. As a freelance journalist, his articles have appeared in many outlets, including Details, a magazine only dicks read—successful, well-dressed, cosmopolitan dicks, but dicks nonetheless. In 2006, Anderson Cooper topped the New York Times best-seller list with Dispatches from the Edge, a memoir chock full of trite introspection like: “Africa was a place to forget and be forgotten in.” Wigga, please.
Personal life – official
Anderson Cooper has never been married and has actively avoided discussing any romantic involvements to protect his journalistic neutrality. He also suffers from dyslexia.
Personal life – reality
Gay. Really, really gay.
Also
Even if he isn’t a homosexual, there’s a very high likelihood that Anderson Cooper shaves his nads. And wears designer low-rise bikini briefs.
