Allen Stanford
From Dickipedia - A Wiki of Dicks
Allen Stanford is the founder, chairman, CEO, and whole owner of Stanford Financial Group, which consists of Stanford Capital Management, Stanford International Bank, Stanford Group, Stanford Trust, and Stanford Coins and Bullion. He also plays synth for new wave pop trio Stanford!
In early 2009, Allen Stanford became the subject of several financial malfeasance investigations, eventually facing civil and criminal charges in both the United States and Antigua. When a country like Antigua charges you with bank fraud and money laundering, you know you’ve been up to some real sketch.
On top of everything else, Allen Stanford is one of those Americans who likes to pretend to be British, like those total meat-wipes who come back from a semester in London dipping their “chips” in vinegar and listening to Radiohead. Not only is Stanford a noted cricket fan, he also holds a dual citizenship with Antigua, a country that knighted him for some reason. One imagines that reason to be a sizable cash donation to the Governor-General.
When the light hits his moustache in a certain way, Allen Stanford bears a striking resemblance to Adolph Hitler, if Hitler wore bright pink golf shirts and a $25,000 watch.
Say what you will about Allen Stanford, at least he was defrauding drug kingpins and international weapons dealers, as opposed to Nobel Peace Prize laureates, say, or Stephen Spielberg.
Family and personal life
In typical rich dick fashion, Allen Stanford used his substantial wealth to inflict himself on a series of women who, once sufficiently lavished, let him rawdog it with them. These undoubtedly brief, creepy couplings produced six children: Randi, Roberta, Rebecca, Reid, Robert, and Ross.
Exactly what kind of a dick is Allen Stanford? The kind who names all his kids starting with the same letter. P.S. If he wanted to name all his kids after himself, which he clearly did, he should have just owned it, you know, like George Foreman.
Oh, Allen Stanford also once hired then fired his girlfriend as president of one of his companies. That’s balls.
Knighthood
Stanford is a Knight Commander of Antigua and Barbuda, and insists upon being called “Sir Allen,” like he’s Paul McCartney or Elton John or something, when really he’s just a rich a-hole from Texas.
Career
Like so many high-powered international financiers before him, Allen Stanford originally started as the owner of a body-building gym. He made his fortune capitalizing on the misery of others, buying up depressed Houston real estate and then selling it when the market recovered.
Obviously fed-up with abiding by U.S. law and ready to get involved with some real shade in the early 1980s, Stanford relocated to the Caribbean, where he soon established the kind of off-shore bank that caters to terrorists, cocaine cartels, and the Kardashians.
Over the next several decades, Stanford built his dick empire into a sprawling global wealth management conglomerate, which, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is the most dicktastic five-word phrase in the English language (narrowly edging out “sources close to the couple”).
By the time a federal judge froze all its assets, the Stanford Financial Group was managing nearly $10 billion out of 50 offices, with a headquarters in Houston, in an office towers whose other tenant is CIGNA, the super dick health insurance company that refused to cover that teenage girl’s liver transplant a few years back, when a liver was all packed up in a Coleman ready to go. Dicks of a feather flock together.
In early February 2009, reports began to surface that Stanford Financial Group was under investigation by the Security Exchange Commission, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, the Florida Office of Financial Regulation, and the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority. Just ask anyone who’s ever been pulled over late at night in some hick town where suddenly every cop in the county shows up to see what’s going on—with that many people nosing around, they’re going to find everything eventually, even the roaches in your ashtray.
By the end of the month, authorities had uncovered what the SEC characterized a “massive Ponzi scheme” involving $8 billion, though Allen Stanford was not arrested until June 18. One imagines he used the intervening time to gorge himself on caviar and fashion prison shanks out of toast points.
Determined to cost the public even more money, Allen Stanford plead not guilty to the charges of fraud, conspiracy, and obstruction he obviously committed. He is represented by prominent criminal defense attorney Brendan Sullivan, who you’d have to imagine pops a serious chubber when he considers how many billable hours Stanford will be good for.
Allen Stanford also owes $212 million in back taxes to the IRS. Again, balls.
Something to think about, but not it too much detail
Should Allen Stanford and Bernard Madoff wind up sharing a federal penitentiary cell, one wonders who would be whose bitch. Although one would try very hard not to picture the actual act in one’s mind. Yo.
